2 Weeks

So my time here at the Ranger School is almost over. The semester is winding down. There is 1 full week of classes left, followed by a 4 days; some half-days, some full.

I feel like I've accomplished something. Once I graduate I can call myself a professional Forest Technician. I could even call myself a Professional Forester here in New York state if I wanted to, as no certification isn't required. I won't do that, though.

I've gotten myself established in Syracuse. I've got a house to rent, I've got a job, and I've been accepted into the university I'll be attending. I'm all set.

I'll be staying with Leah for the summer. I'm not sure how I feel about this anymore.

She was a lot of fun during the 2 weekends I visited her. We spent a lot of time together, and we really got along. She made me feel loved and everything, what with the affection and attention and all that.

Things have changed a lot since the last time I was at her house. We've gotten into several fights, we just seem to piss each other off more than anything. I've had my emotionally-unstable moments, and I feel like it's had an impact on her in a big way. She doesn't seem like such a brilliantly loving and caring person to me anymore.

When I met her, I felt for sure that the Fates had guided me in her direction. She lead me into a world of Pagan community, of people who are good friends and care for each other. She helped me find a job and gave me a place to stay for the summer while I was waiting for my own lease to commence. I felt as if her purpose in my life was to guide me onto the path in the next chapter of my life. A Goddess-send, perhaps. I was learning a lot from her, like how to just love someone, a new friend. How to open up to someone and trust them, when you don't know them that well. How to be open to new things, and how to be unashamed of who you are.

Well, the lessons I'm learning now are a bit more difficult and less pleasant.

I've developed strong feelings for her over the time I've known her. She's gotten to feel like a sister to me. But, this too has changed a lot, given the tension between us. I feel like I need to learn how to keep my heart off of my sleeve. How to love someone without worrying about how they feel for you. How to decide to trust someone, and how much. Whether or not love and trust really go hand-in-hand.

There were a few times where I simply needed someone to talk to because I was having just one of those days, and feeling significantly.. down. I went to her, as I had learned I could.. and she would leave, to talk to one of her boyfriends, to go to a party, etc. She would just leave me to deal with some difficult emotions on my own, after telling me she'd be there for me, without so much as a "bye, ttyl". While I realize she has a life, I don't feel it's appropriate to tell someone you're there for them when they need you, just to walk off when they actually come to you. I'm aware you can't be there for someone 100 percent of the time, either. But this has happened 3 times. It's almost like she does it on purpose. This has tested my trust in her. I don't feel like I can go to her and discuss things anymore.

I miss how things were, when they were light-hearted and soothing. But, I've learned too that things change, regardless. It wouldn't have lasted forever, even if things had gone in the opposite direction than they have now.

So... moving in with her will be interesting. I am hoping that everything goes back to the way it was, where we just hung out and got along, where things were growing and we were close. I can't help but feel that maybe I'm being nieve, but we'll see.

The Goddess has certainly set up an interesting landscape of emotional calamity and confusion here in this world. When do I get to see the good side of things?