A place called "home"

So, since I've been back I've visited three different places. My father's, my mother's, and my brother's.

I find that I am not happy nor comfortable in any of these places. None of them feel like "home".

My father, as I have previously mentioned, still drinks. His house had a weird energy lingering in it. I felt...life, somewhere in it. In all the nick-knacks, the decorations, the kitchen tools and the furniture...the apartment felt like someone full of energy and interest lived there. But at the same time, I felt something heavier crowding those lighter energies out. It felt as if my father was no longer there, but in his place was...a hollow shell, a drunken man...someone I didn't recognize. I was there for about 20 minutes, but I was overwhelmed with disappointment, because of my father's drinking. That, and the strange mix of energies...it just was not comfortable.

My brother's house is probably the most neutral in terms of energy. It's a new apartment, one I haven't been to before this. It's small, and sort of cozy. But, despite my brother's hospitality, I'm...bored. And the last thing I need right now is to be bored...

Then...I visited my mother's house. The one I lived in before I moved out of to go to school. The place was crowded, cramped, and in it I felt the same dense energies I felt at my father's. But there was a conspicuous absence of the energies of life.

My mother is an alcoholic. She's gone to AA, and she no longer drinks, but she's replaced it with something worse. She's got some chronic illness from which she's often in a lot of physical pain. So she takes several medications for it. She's also got psychological issues, as well as mental issues, so she takes medications for that. She's on several different medications, and she abuses them. But she does so with her doctor's orders...

All of the medical professionals she's been to have been unable to find anything wrong with her. It makes me think that perhaps she makes it up so she can get her pills from the doctor.

So, she's on medication almost constantly, and as a result, she's pretty much "stoned" almost constantly. It's a sad thing to see.

Before I left, I lived with my mother in that same apartment for about 8 years, and as I grew, as I became more aware of myself and the world, I became more aware of her and her state. By the time I left for the Ranger School, I was practically dying to get out. My mother's depression was sinking in to me, and the more I realized I couldn't help her, and she didn't want to help herself, the more desperate I was to leave. The relief I felt when I got to campus, and submerged myself in the education, was palpable. So I wasn't, and I'm not, happy to be back. I feel full of fear, and dread. I went to the place last night, and I sat in my old room. It felt smaller than I remembered...and I felt the energies of years of sadness, self-discovery, significant spiritual experiences, all just sitting in there. I was overwhelmed.

I realize now that the fact that I saw and felt all that I did tells me that I changed a lot in the 4 and a half months I was gone. If things seemed the same to me, it would mean my perspective didn't change. But they seemed different, thus my perspective did change, which in turn means I as a person changed.

But I'm still fearful. My biggest fear is that the classmate that gave me a ride home is going to forget/decide not to bring me back. If that happens, I'm not sure what I'll do... I prayed and continue to pray that he remembers to pick me up. I pray that he's more dependable than most others in my life have proven to be.

I'm also not sure what I'll do or where I'll stay for the next 3 weeks. I'm bored, and I'm lonely.

All of this dramatic stuff so far is teaching me one thing...I've got no home. I've got places I can go for shelter...but I don't have a home. A place with loving family or friends, a place where I'm not only welcome, but also invited. For some reason, in this lifetime I'm to go without a loving supportive family. All of my immediate family members are incapable of giving me the care and love that most "normal" families do. I'm pretty much on my own emotionally/mentally and even physically.

Is this Karma? Or did my Divine Mother and Father choose this for me?

Either way...it could be a lot worse. If anything, it's toughening me up, and making me even more determined and capable of doing what I want in my lifetime, and making myself into what and who I want to be.

Gods be with me.

Winter Break

So, I'm back in the Catskill region. My first semester at the Ranger School has ended; all of the finals have been taken, and now it's a time of rest.

I was supposed to stay at my father's house for the break. However, things aren't going quite as planned. My father (and the rest of my family, excluding myself) have a deep history of alcoholism. In a few conversations I had with him before the semester was over, in which we were planning my visit there, he told he had stopped drinking 'cold turkey'. I guess the naive little boy reared his head in for a moment, because I believed it. I had little doubt; at least one of my parents must have the strength and courage to fight off the shadow of alcoholism, right?

Well, I arrived there last night, and he was drunk. There were two very big bottles of vodka on his kitchen table, one was open and the other was empty. I tried to talk to him about it...I was respectful in my approach, but my disappointment must have shown. I asked him what alcohol brought to him, and why he felt he needed to drink. He ignored those questions, but then got angry and told me he didn't like me telling him what to do. The subject was changed- I called my brother and he came to pick me up, and I spent the night at his place.

I struggle to find the words to express the profound feelings of isolation and loneliness I'm experiencing. My mother is addicted to pills, my father to alcohol. The only person in my immediate family that has anything resembling sanity and self-control is my brother, but he's emotionally stunted to the point where he doesn't love deeply the way most family members do toward eachother. I feel like I've got no other human on which to depend on for anything. The only beings with me are the Lady and Lord.

Well, here's to a happy Yule anyway. I'll keep my mind on that.

Forestry and the Pagan

Hey, it's me, and I'm still around. Hooray!

As if you couldn't tell from the entry-gap, I've been a little busy lately. More classes, more studies, more projects, more 'home' work. It's a heavy load but I like keeping busy.

I knew being here would be a challenge, and I haven't been disappointed. But I can feel myself developing as a human, as a primate. With every skill I learn, I feel myself closer to my ancestors, and to the wild nature of my human-ness. Take, for example, the sharpening of an axe (the 'whetting' of an axe would be more appropriate). Here I am, using my brain and my thumbs, both of which are my natural advantage, to create/improve a tool that I'll be using to manipulate a part of the world in which I live. I'll be using it to fell trees (seems anti-Wiccan in every way, but I'll get to that in a bit), to build trails, and all sorts of other applications. I'm a human; making and using tools is what I do.

As for the felling trees....I've felled approximately 6 trees already. I used a chainsaw to do it. I've heard of the chainsaw being referred to as "an icon that represents everything against Pagan thought". I don't agree, but I don't exactly like chainsaws either. They're loud, they stink, and they're very dangerous. But, it's a tool, and, since any self-respecting Forest Tech should at least know how to operate one, I had to do it. I look at my education as a definite advantage to Gaia and to her physical form. My colleagues and I will be the next stewards of the bounty the Earth sustains us with. We'll pretty much be in charge of how our species attains uses what Gaia gives us. Killing a few trees to learn to do it is a sacrifice that has to be made... it reminds me of the Green Man; the God of Vegetation, that sacrifices himself for the good of everyone else. He's done it again-- except this time he's firewood and experience, rather than beer and corn.

Also, let's not forget the fact that growing trees and harvesting them is a form of agriculture (Don't believe me? USDA Forest Service. 'Nuff said). Last I checked, agriculture is a rather sacred thing to us Pagan-folk. So, I choose to see forestry as a sacred thing too. It's another manifestation of our relationship with the Great Mother and her form of Gaia. Of course, we've got to be smart about how we take what we need from the forests. And, from my experience, forestry isn't just about timber harvesting anymore. It's about caring for the forests; their ecosystems, their cycles. We observe and, largely, we learn. We let Nature do what she'll do, and we take what we need. This isn't always the case, though...there are those out there that rape and pillage, rather than take what they need and give back in the form of restoration and conscious forestry practices. (Unfortunately, seems a few of my classmates are of this mindset- take, take take). Forestry can be and is sacred if practiced respectfully and mindfully.

Busy, Busy, Busy

The first week of the fall semester is over, and already all the students here are buzzing around like little bees, seeking out their assignments like the bees search for their nectar (and picking up stress, like the bees inadverdantly pick up pollen...). Most of the work is in Dendrology (my favorite class so far), with a lot of reading in surveying (which, so far, is rather complicated-- and we're just getting started...). Of course, we'll be burdened further with even more work to be done, when we get deeper into the semester.

This place is really strange, to be honest. There are a lot of lessons (both academic and spiritual) being thrown at me, from angles I'd never expect.

Take, for example, last night's bonfire.

Now, I've always known I'm not much of a social person. I've got friends, but not many. I always keep to myself, and I never really purposefully put myself in 'heavy' social settings, with lots of people and a lot of commotion. It's just me- I'm a natural reclusive. (My totem is, after all, the american red fox- Vulpes vulpes- a well known and adored recluse...).

So... a lot of the students decided it would be cool to have a bonfire near the ball field, to sit around together and just "bullshit". I was invited by two different people, neither of whom I really knew all that well (and I still don't). Against what I now know as my better judgment, I decided to go. 'I might not get another chance to socialize in such a setting this semester', I thought as I trudged my way to the ball field. As I approached, my senses were wrapped in the scene... I could hear their frantic and shared laughter, I could see the amber glow of the fire, and I could smell the smoke. As I got closer, I saw them all sitting in a big circle around the fire, and one of the people who invited me, Am, smiled and said "You made it!". In my (trademark) shy way, I responded; "Yes...I did. I'm here". She told me to "pull up a log". Of course, in all my sudden discomfort, I didn't. I just sort of stood there, listening to everyone talking. Talking about experiences they all shared, interests they all had in common. And I just stood there, unable to find anything I could relate to, at all. Eventually, Am noticed my silence and asked me if I was alright. I told her immediately I was, and that I was always this quiet. She acknowledged my response and jumped back into their conversation. After a while of feeling awkwardly out-of-place, I decided, once and for all, that social settings such as those are not my cup of Tazo tea. So I left.

I learned a lot from that painfully awkward experience. First and foremost, it certainly re-affirmed what I always felt, but never knew for sure-- I am NOT a social creature. Not so much as my peers, anyway.

I also learned shortly thereafter, that, while it may be an uncommon thing (such as my experiences so far tell me), it is not "bad", or "weird". I always thought so, which just fueled my discomfort in heavy social situations. But I've come to accept this part of me, which, ultimately, gives me the power to change it, if I feel it's necessary. (But, it isn't. Not yet.)

I'm definitely going to come out of this 10 month period a changed person. I've got a feeling I'll be stronger emotionally, mentally, and especially physically.

In the Adirondacks

So, I've arrived at my new campus.

The scenery here is amazing. The Adirondacks are very rugged, and very cold. It's a wild place, and it seems that our species doesn't find it to be an entirely hospitable place. There is a town nearby. It used to be a bustling 'lumber town', with at least 1,000 people living in it. The population is now a little over 25, and it doubles when us Ranger School students are in the area.

My second night here, I felt a little intimidated. I'm from the Catskill Mountain area...the Catskills are beautiful, and I'd describe them as "soft", and "warm". They are a fine place to live, because the land is stable and the soil is usually quite soft. The climate is warm during the summer, and cool during the winter...in my experience, it doesn't snow an awful lot there.

The Adirondacks contrast sharply to this, though. The soil is gravely and sandy, and glacial till is a common sight. They are also very large and steep, and, at the moment (it's now late summer/early autumn), it is freezing cold. Today it reached a high of about 60 degrees Fahrenheit.

If I had to use an analogy to describe the relationship, I'd say that the Catskills are to the Adirondacks as Athens was to Sparta.

Usually, I have a fairly easy time of "feeling" the Goddess around me when I'm in a relatively "uninhabited" area, or at least outside with fresh air and lots of greenery around. (Note: These conditions aren't the only conditions in which I can sense Her...just the ideal). But, my second night here, I sat outside on the front lawn of the campus, in a traditional "Adirondack chair", overlooking the Oswegatchie river. Try as I might, I couldn't seem to sense Her. I felt alone, and isolated...but the more I contemplated Her, and the area I found myself in, the more I realized I was sensing an entirely new aspect of the Goddess. The Adirondack Mountains represent a tougher, wilder, darker side of the Goddess than I'm used to. If anything, they are a good physical representation of the Crone.

And, how appropriate it is. The program I'm in now is by no means easy. 24 credits a semester, 4-6 hours of studying per night, most of it taking place outside in the forest, where I'll be right in the lap of the Goddess. We will be in temperatures that reach below 0 degrees Fahrenheit, and we'll be faced with steep climbs, jagged rock cliffs, narrow, wet trails, very dark nights, and big, big trees that could crush us in an instant. We'll also be faced with the wild inhabitants of the area... mountain lions, black bears, coyotes... It will be hard, and I will be challenged. Such is the nature of the Crone.

At first it was hard to see the spiritual side of such a modern thing, this program...but slowly I'm becoming used to it, and slowly I'm remembering myself and my place in the world.

Note: the picture I've put up is one of the Ranger School. That's the main building. It's a small, comfortable campus... only 43 students and 6 (or so) professors, plus staff.

The Elders

Over at The Wild Hunt, there's news that Oberon Zell-Ravenheart has been diagnosed with cancer. It's a full moon tonight, so I'm going to dedicate a portion of my Esbat activities to saying some prayers for him. In my eyes, he's certainly an Elder in the Pagan community, and he's been a great inspiration for a lot of us Pagan folk. He deserves our support. Here's to your health, Oberon.

This news inspires me to take a look at the current state of the Pagan community and, specifically, the Elders within it.

Ever since the beginning of the Pagan movement here in the US, we as a people have been blessed with many a man and woman dedicated to carving out a place for all of us in the modern world. They have been our leaders, our priests and priestesses, our guides, our Elders. I'm extremely thankful to them, and for their works on behalf of us.

Us Pagans (all of us, even the ones who refuse that title...) have certainly made progress in modern times. There have been a lot of battles on a lot of fronts for the sake of our rights to worship, and even exist. During tonight's full moon rite I'll be taking some time to really contemplate the sacrifices all of us have made for the sake of our way of life.

Also- that icon, the red fox...I'm not sure where it comes from, I found it on Google image search. It's pretty neat though, yes? Very serious/tough looking fox...

Summer's End

All summer I worked. I was interning at the Department of Environmental Protection, where I was part of the "Watershed Conservation Corps", helping to study/restore the watersheds of Ulster/Greene counties. It was good work. It was hard, physically and mentally. Most days were long, and at the end of each we were sweaty, and tired. It was satisfying.

Now, I'm 2 days away from moving to the new campus, where I'll spend my winter indoors and out, studying forestry. It's going to be very hard, physically and mentally. I look forward to it.

I've always heard that, to most Pagans, the summer signifies hard work, while the winter always generally meant introversion and quiet. It's always been the opposite for me. I always relaxed during the summer, and worked during the winter. This is due in part to the fact that most schools don't run the majority of their academic programs during the summer. Mostly, though, it's due to the fact that I love winter. It is my favorite season, and I am most comfortable in the cold, the dark, and the snow and ice.

But, this summer has taught me a lot about hard work, and the true value of it. I'm not talking about "work", where you go to some place, toil for hours with some menial tasks that you aren't entirely interested in, just to get some money that, ultimately, means nothing to you but what you can get with it. I'm talking about work, where you go out and put your physical, emotional and mental strength and energy toward a goal that means something to you. Where you, for a moment in time, represent what you're working for. You become the very thing you are doing, a physical manifestation of the goal you're working for. True work builds your strength, spirit and character on all levels, whilst serving the highest good of all involved.

I'll be getting the chance to continue working... but it will be at a different venue, for a different purpose, with different people. Most of it will be academic in nature. I'll be majoring in Forest Technology, building my skills in working with forests and their ecosystems. I'll learn about the forests in my region on a scientific level. I'll then look at what I've learned from a spiritual perspective, and integrate the Mysteries on my personal time. While I'm not studying, I'll have a job on campus. It may be related to my studies, or it may not be (I don't know quite yet, and I probably won't until well after I'm on campus). Either way, it'll keep me busy, and my earnings will go toward my education.

At the moment, I can feel my summer reaching it's climax. Things are getting busier and more intense, if not on a physical level, then on an energetic level. I'm sorting through my thoughts, while trying to get the last look at this town before I move away from it forever. I still have to pack and visit the doctor's office, and then I'll probably have to meet with my old supervisor to get a time sheet signed. I've still got a lot to do here, and 2 days to do it in.

Then, finally, there's the trip. A four-and-a-half hour drive to campus. It'll be an interesting journey, and one taken with some people that I have mixed feelings about. These people are my blood relatives. It's interesting... I asked Goddess to help me find a way to campus when things were a little more 'up in the air', and as it turns out, I'll be riding with my mother, stepfather, and brother (all of whom I have uneasy relations with). I doubt this is a coincidence.

The Gods are constantly challenging me to prove myself. They're constantly testing my mettle, and these challenges come in all forms. I don't consider myself to be a warrior of any kind, but perhaps that's why I'm always 'in the forge', so to speak. I guess They want me to be tough, and sharp, if I'm going to continue to call myself a Witch and a shaman. This is the path I've chosen.

...and this summer's just a small part of it.

The Tapestry of Life, and Those Who Weave It

Last night, I felt restless. As I lay in bed, my mind wandered all over several subjects, until finally coming to a stop on the issue of "Fate". I thought about how our past affects our present, and our future. In Norse mythology, this process is called "Wyrd", and the Norns were the ones who made it do what it does.

In my life, Wyrd has played an important and emphasized role. A lot of my more intense life lessons don't come from my observances of the present world, but of the past. I look back on how things were, and see their affects on my life now, and from this perspective I glean many of my understandings of the Mysteries.

Unfortunately, my knowledge and understanding of Wyrd isn't what I'd like it to be. On rare occasions I still feel "victim" to the Norn's whims. I feel like the Universe is working against me or, in the very least, not responding to my intent.

Most of my practice, I've learned and been told that our entire experience with reality and thus our entire lives are the products of our intent, and our own will. Even the unpleasant things that seem to happen for no good reason at all are somehow caused by us. I do believe this, because I have observed the forces of Karma in my life several times.

For example, if you suddenly fall ill, even without a good idea of why, then that illness was drawn into your life somehow, either by your subconscious, or your higher self trying to get your attention about something. Each case is different, but I feel that, most times, illness is our body and selve's last resort to get our attention about an issue in our lives.

I think that it works a similar way with a lot of other things too, good as well as bad.

But, let's face it. Sometimes there are things in our lives that just suck and are really hard to explain. If we can't understand them enough to explain them, does that mean that they are pure chance?

The bigger question that I'd really like an answer to is, "Is anything left to chance?"

Modern perspective is that life is uncertain. "Shit happens", they say, and all we can do about it is deal with it.

Can this be true? Are we really the unfortunate and unsuspecting victims of chance? Or, is there truly something to this idea that we create our own realities?

I find it hard to believe that we all must deal with the 'randomness' of the Universe, and just accept that things will happen to us beyond our control. The reason it's so hard is because I know that, naturally speaking, humans are equipped with poor foresight. For beings with complex intellect, our foresight is certainly impaired. We have the ability to think and create "what if" scenarios in our heads for the purpose of really thinking things over. But perfect clarity never, ever comes. Not even if we use special means of deciding things, like divination. So, I do not believe that, in order for us to have control, we must have an understanding of things that is naturally beyond us. Seems a bit unfair to me.

I suppose what really makes me think of all this is the fact that our actions sometimes have unforeseen or unintended consequences. Sometimes when we're in a rush, and we intend to take the fastest way home, we end up stuck in traffic. Sometimes, locking our bike to the nearest fixture with the intent of keeping it safe, causes it to get stolen. Despite our best attempts, sometimes our actions produce consequences we neither intended nor are prepared for.

These consequences are still caused by our actions. In this way, we still have control. And, what's more, we can decide how we deal with these consequences, and in my experience, there is always a pleasant way to deal with (or avoid entirely) these things that come up unexpectedly as a result of our best judgment.

The Norns weave our lives, and they knit together cause and effect. They connect it all, and they make sure our actions have consequences. I suppose we need only be aware of this, and really consider each of our potential actions before we make them a reality. Our foresight, as poor as it may be, is our best way to construct our lives. Taking responsibility and really trying to understand how this function of the Universe works makes life that much easier.

As a wise woman once said, "Life is 5% what happens to us, and 95% how we react to it".

The first posting

This is my first post on my first Pagan-themed blog.

Let me just say a few things to get them out of the way.

My name is Robin, and I am a Pagan. Wiccan, actually. I belong to a tradition of Wicca all my own, yet I hesitate to call it a "tradition" because I'm not dead yet, nor is anyone else practicing my particular 'flavor' of Wicca. But I use that word for lack of a better one. (Perhaps later I'll stop being so lazy and look up some synonyms for the word "tradition").

I'm a college student, currently a few days away from attending a forestry program at an environmental science college. My major is "forest technology" and I'm an aspiring Forester. My motivation for involving myself in the environmental sciences field should be obvious, but I'll probably post about it later.

This blog is in no way an attempt of mine to be a 'professional' blogger. I really don't know what I'm doing, even despite the fact that I've authored a few blogs in my day (most of them were in my teen years, when I was immature and "angsty", so they hardly count as blogs). This blog really is just my spot on the internet. I've put it here to organize my thoughts on Paganism and my spiritual practice, while simultaneously opening them up to the input of some like minded fellows that might happen accross this blog. I'm not sure of the worth or maturity of my thoughts on Paganism and related subjects, but I feel that all of us has something to share with the world. This blog is one of my more direct ways of sharing what I've got to share with others.

I don't consider myself in the same 'league' as the characters I've put in the "my favorite blogs" listing. The fact that they are listed there does not indicate that I think I'm as 'qualified' as they are to post on the internet about Paganism. Those folks are way more 'experienced' in Paganism and life in general, and the only thing we've got in common is the fact that we're all legally considered adults, and we're Pagan. I put them there (without their permission) to share their blog with people who may read this. That's all.

So, that's it for now. I'll probably post another entry later on today. But for now, hello, and welcome to my blog.