In the cold and the dark

There has been a huge cold snap here for the last few days. It was down to -15 degrees Fahrenheit this morning, and in the afternoon it reached a high of 5.

We've been working outside in this cold, and it's reminded me of why I love the cold so much. It's soothing. It calms me, it makes me breathe deeper and easier, and it makes me more aware of my physical being. Yesterday it got really, really cold during the afternoon (-4) and while I was outside, I could feel my mind slowing down. I couldn't feel the parts of my body that were exposed, and the rest of my body was neither hot nor cold. I felt calm, and peaceful.

Freezing to death is also a very peaceful way to die. In the best case, you merely fall asleep. You stop shivering, you get tired...you lay down, and you pass into the next world. Unless, of course, you get frost bite and try to warm up. Then the cold bites you. Ice crystals form in your blood while you're freezing, they expand in your blood vessels and actually rupture them. You don't feel it unless you warm up again.

I love the cold. I feel most comfortable in it. The air is clean (nothing can live in it- no mold/fungi, no bacteria, etc). It's as close to pure as it ever can get during the year. The snow is soft and soothing. I also love how short the days are. Dark and cold- my domain.

After being out in freezing temperatures for the past few days, I've realized an interesting effect it has on me. Besides slowing my bodily processes, it seems to help me think more clearly. Very strange, but definitely good to know.

Speaking of thinking clearly...

I mentioned a friend of mine in my last entry. Well, I've had a lot of time apart from her and I've been thinking about her and things involving her lately.

She used to have my heart. We were together, and quite close. It ended a while ago, and slowly I took my heart back (in bits). But, over the break, she took it back from me. Well...she took it back and I sort of just handed it over... I was hesitant at first, but I realized I really loved her. I trusted her with it, again.

And now I'm thinking maybe that was a mistake.

See...she's a career woman. She's working quite hard in school, and she's also got a full time part time job. She's a busy woman, and I commend her for it. Thing is, her career's got her heart. She can't give it to me. And, I'm thinking that even if she could, she wouldn't.

Long story short, I thought she was in love with me... and it doesn't matter if I was right or wrong...because she isn't. And, of course, I'm feeling the usual "I love them but they don't love me" thing.

I'm beginning to think that this sort of situation speaks to me about my poor choice of trust and judgment. I trust the right people at the wrong time. I don't look hard enough at the situation. I'm not disciplined enough, I don't control my emotions, and I end up getting hurt because of it.

I have a hard time with this. I seem to live in extremes with trust. I either trust no one, or trust someone entirely. This is bad.

I need to work on this.