Love is Strange

Okay... So, I mentioned my friend, the one I feel close to and who is very important to me, in a previous post.

Well, I sort of...fell in love with her. Again.

Her and I are exes. Her and I were engaged at one point, and, obviously, it didn't work out.

When we got back in touch, we really re-established our friendship. We got close again, and romantical feelings sort of re-emerged in the background. But recently some things have developed in that region of our relationship and I can't say they're absolutely pleasing...

We talked a bit about dating again...and it was decided that, ultimately, she's too busy for a relationship. She needs time for her mate. That, and she needs someone who can be around her all of the time. Her needs wouldn't be satisfied because of the general state of things at the moment...

I'm feeling a bit sad because I can't be with her. I never got entirely over her to begin with, and during the break I got my hopes up again...so the disappointment is even more poignant. Despite what happens I can't help but feel that we'd make a great couple...

I feel like she still thinks of me the way that I used to be... when we were together years ago I was a very controlling and self-centered person. I cared more about my own needs than hers and I just didn't care about the state of our relationship for the right reasons. I really loved her, don't get me wrong-- I was just so tied up in my own problems that I was unable to show it, and to treat her like the love of my life that she was. I suspect she still thinks I'd be this way... I know I've changed...but I guess it isn't enough for her to see it...

I really wish I was able to fulfill her needs. It sort of hurts my pride that I can't be all that she needs in a partner... but there's more involved here than what I am and what I'm not... I know she loves me, and that, if everything was perfect, she'd probably be with me...

I really hope that she finds what she needs in life and in a mate. Whether or not I'm that mate is of little consequence in the grand scheme of things. What's important is that she is happy, and that she finds the one she needs and at the right time in her life.

I love her, and I want to help her as best I can. What this requires of me is that I be the friend she needs and wants me to be. I'm not friends with her just to fulfill my own needs...I'm her friend because I love her and I want her to be happy...so I'd better start doing what she needs me to do.

I'd take her happiness over my own desires any day.