Another day

I'm still feeling a bit down about the StarEnchantress situation. I gotta say, it doesn't feel too good. I'm really confused about what she wants from/with me. I believe her when she tells me that she loves me, and wants to be with me...but I have a hard time understanding why she has to make things more complicated by denying herself how she feels about me. It would be so much easier for us to both just accept the fact that we love eachother. I mean, what's so wrong with it? It's love. It's a great thing. Plus, it's a revived love. To me, it's a bit of a small miracle that her and I are in love again. I see it all as a good thing... but, apparently she doesn't. She just keeps running away from me. It really sucks when I'm here for someone, and I have so much feeling for them and so much to offer them...but all they do is run away. It makes me feel like a monster sometimes. And...every now and then Sarah will let slip something...she'll say something about how I used to be, and say it like I'm still that way. Sometimes she talks to me like the person I used to be when we dated before. Why? I know I've changed. I wish she'd see it...maybe have some trust or faith in my ability to change for the better. I dunno. I don't even know what to do about it anymore. She just keeps running away from me, regardless of what I say or do. She doesn't seem to know how to act toward me, either. A friend of mine named Heather, and I, talked earlier and just theorized about why she does what she does. We sort of concluded that I'll just never know unless Sarah wants me to. So...she said just live my life, not to let it get me too down for too long. And I think that's what I gotta do. I don't have much time for a lingering sadness, or a mourning for a 'love that never was'. I've got an education to focus on, I've got schoolwork to do, and I've got my own life to live. If Sarah doesn't want to be with me, to be a big part of my life, then there's no sense in my clearing out space for her in my life and schedule that she isn't gonna use. Also, I have to remember that (as far as I know) her and I are friends. That's how this all started. We have a great (if not dry/inactive) friendship...and that's enough for me, if that's what I'm given. She can do what makes her happy. That's her right. And that's what I want for her.

I haven't been doing my reading for the classes like I should have been doing. I've fallen behind, and I've got a pathology quiz tomorrow and I don't feel I know the material as well as I need to. I've decided to just do what I can on this quiz, and then do the reading assignments as close to the day that I get them as I can. No more slacking off or waiting for the weekend!

I'm tired. Hopefully I'll be able to sleep well tonight.