The Darker Side of Love

So the past few days have been interesting.

The forest tech. students traveled to Syracuse, NY for the annual New York Society of American Foresters meeting. It was held at a pretty nice hotel, and hundreds of people were there. We left early thursday morning, arrived and attended several meetings about different things in the forestry world, then we spent the night. The next day was more of the same until noon, when we departed the hotel and visted a local surveying firm in the small town of Teresa.

The whole experience was interesting. I got to rub shoulders with various professionals in my chosen field, and sit in on discussions about various issues in said field. I also got to stay at a fancy hotel and eat fancy food.

I learned a lot about forestry in a professional sense, and I learned a lot about myself as well.

I know that I do not want to get too deeply involved with the politics of forestry. It has it's importance; a lot of the general public have misconceptions about what forestry is all about, so the PR aspect of the political scene is important. But it isn't for me. I'm the one out in the woods, working with the trees and the plants, the soil and the water.

Right now I feel like I'm in a bit of a slump. A funk.

I miss StarEnchantress terribly.

Her and I had a "moment" while I was at the hotel. We talked on the phone for a while, and it felt so good. It was nourishing, to talk to the woman who is both my friend and my love. We reconnected, and I feel like we were both reassured.

Now I miss her like crazy. I've been wandering around with my head in a fog all day, crying off and on. My entire body aches to be with her, as does my mind and heart. I can't focus; all I can think about is her.

At least now I understand completely why she doesn't want to date. Because if we were together, our separation would be completely unbearable. I think this is bad? Imagine actually being her boyfriend but not hearing from her often. Gods this fucking hurts. It is the most maddening thing.

I can also understand why she'd want to ignore the love. I've thought about it myself..it would be so relieving to not have to carry the burden of knowing your love is out there somewhere, but nowhere near you. But...I don't want to. This whole thing will either kill me (seems likely, but it isn't, I'm sure), or by the time her and I are together, I'll be the best mate/lover/friend she's ever had, ever. With all of this love, how can I not be?

The help of a Dark Goddess would be so welcome right about now. I need to cope with this, damnit, and I need to transform it into something helpful, supportive and nourishing.

I wonder sometimes if she ever wants to stop talking. If she feels the same way I do (I know she loves me...she told me so!), how can she ignore it when we talk? Can she? I'm afraid she'll just get sick of our limited communication and just leave...

I love you, wherever you are...