Another day

I'm still feeling a bit down about the StarEnchantress situation. I gotta say, it doesn't feel too good. I'm really confused about what she wants from/with me. I believe her when she tells me that she loves me, and wants to be with me...but I have a hard time understanding why she has to make things more complicated by denying herself how she feels about me. It would be so much easier for us to both just accept the fact that we love eachother. I mean, what's so wrong with it? It's love. It's a great thing. Plus, it's a revived love. To me, it's a bit of a small miracle that her and I are in love again. I see it all as a good thing... but, apparently she doesn't. She just keeps running away from me. It really sucks when I'm here for someone, and I have so much feeling for them and so much to offer them...but all they do is run away. It makes me feel like a monster sometimes. And...every now and then Sarah will let slip something...she'll say something about how I used to be, and say it like I'm still that way. Sometimes she talks to me like the person I used to be when we dated before. Why? I know I've changed. I wish she'd see it...maybe have some trust or faith in my ability to change for the better. I dunno. I don't even know what to do about it anymore. She just keeps running away from me, regardless of what I say or do. She doesn't seem to know how to act toward me, either. A friend of mine named Heather, and I, talked earlier and just theorized about why she does what she does. We sort of concluded that I'll just never know unless Sarah wants me to. So...she said just live my life, not to let it get me too down for too long. And I think that's what I gotta do. I don't have much time for a lingering sadness, or a mourning for a 'love that never was'. I've got an education to focus on, I've got schoolwork to do, and I've got my own life to live. If Sarah doesn't want to be with me, to be a big part of my life, then there's no sense in my clearing out space for her in my life and schedule that she isn't gonna use. Also, I have to remember that (as far as I know) her and I are friends. That's how this all started. We have a great (if not dry/inactive) friendship...and that's enough for me, if that's what I'm given. She can do what makes her happy. That's her right. And that's what I want for her.

I haven't been doing my reading for the classes like I should have been doing. I've fallen behind, and I've got a pathology quiz tomorrow and I don't feel I know the material as well as I need to. I've decided to just do what I can on this quiz, and then do the reading assignments as close to the day that I get them as I can. No more slacking off or waiting for the weekend!

I'm tired. Hopefully I'll be able to sleep well tonight.

As fickle as the skies

She's confusing. One second she's so loving and open to telling me how she feels and expressing herself. The next she's so cold and pushes me away. One day we're talking like we're best friends, then the next we have no contact whatsoever.

"One day at a time", she says, but then completely ignores that in favor of trying to predict the future and saying "we won't be happy". If we're taking it one day at a time, why would she bother to try and guess that? If she loved me so much, why doesn't she just be with me, instead of focusing so much on what she might feel in the future?

She acts like I'm crazy when I have to ask her, and reaffirm certain things she says. Well, I'm not crazy. Like I said, she'll actually act like she loves me one day, but then the next she'll be angry/annoyed/short or something else toward me. She'll take something out on me, and, in my experience, when someone acts like they hate you its because they do. My point is, her actions rarely match her words. She says she's full of love for me, and wants to be with me. She makes it sound like her heart is a deep reservoir of abundant emotion for me. But she doesn't act that way, at all. Our friendship is arid. Dry.

All of this is brought on by the fact that, a few days ago, we had a conversation about our feelings for eachother. She kissed me.

Then today she told me not to be so lovey.

???

*sigh* I love her. She isn't a bad person, and I don't want to believe she does this on purpose. She's not, as far as I know, that kind of person. Sometimes I think it'd be nice if I was like her previous mate, where he apparently just sort of...saw through all of this, and stayed there for her. Apparently, he never complained. At least not to her.

I'm not like that. When someone hurts me, they hear about it. If they do it repeatedly, and they don't seem to care, or they blame it on me, I leave. And, it doesn't matter if I stood by her side despite all this. She wouldn't notice me or be with me anyway. I don't know if I should stick around. I don't even know if I'm wanted. If I asked her if I should leave, she'd just shrug and tell me to do what I felt was best. She would show no concern or opinion whatsoever.

As I've said to myself repeatedly... if she really loved me, she'd at least try and be with me. If she loved me, she'd honor those feelings and at least express them. But she doesn't trust me enough to express it, or perhaps doesn't trust herself to feel that way.

In any case... love, apparently, is not enough. I don't know what to do... I'm so torn. I don't want to stop feeling this way... I can't...it's too strong. I love her. It's true, honest, healthy love. I just don't know what she wants. If she could just...tell me...and stick to it...at least then I'd know what I have to do to make her happy.

Learning about Love from Nature

I've reached a bit of an epiphany.

Nature teaches me a lot of things. I observe, I meditate, and I understand.

One of Her lessons has taught me that nothing in the natural world spends more energy on something than it needs to. Energy conservation is top priority for all living things, (keep for the occasional stubborn human being).

I've applied this lesson to things with Ms. Star Enchantress.

During the break we talked every day, keep for one day near the end of the vacation. We were close.

Things have changed. The Fates have weaved our choices into the lives we live now, and, as it so happens, she doesn't have a lot of time for me. There isn't a lot of room in her life, and she doesn't have the desire and thus the ability to make that room.

So, we don't talk much.

When I first arrived back on campus a week and a half ago, I was struggling to stay in touch with her. I spent a lot of time and energy on the phone, trying to call her, sending her text messages, and generally putting a lot of effort (expending a lot of energy) into trying to establish a solid, reliable line of communication between us. I was under the impression we both wanted to stay in touch...to talk, and perhaps swim against the tides of life that would otherwise pull us apart.

While I was on the right track about the desire to maintain our friendship, I feel I was utterly wrong about us both wanting to "swim against". Sarah simply goes with the flow. Her time is not her own, and she gives away what little she has left to other interests.

So...there I was, working hard to stay in touch with someone who simply cannot. For whatever reason, she is unable or unwilling to work things out, to set aside time. So I've been wasting my time trying to force (despite my intentions) it to happen.

I'm only going to give out the time and energy she actually uses. I'm not going to send out the text messages in the morning/noon/night, because she doesn't respond. I'm not going to send the emails. Dial the calls. I'm just going to let things be. I'm going to contact her when I really think she can talk. I'm going to put in to match what she puts in. Give her the time and attention she wants, and uses. Nothing more, nothing less. That way, things are balanced.

That isn't to say I'm not here for her like I said I would be. It just means I'm not as present or as "around" when I obviously don't need to be; when things aren't focused on her and I.


I love her. I want us to talk a lot. I want it to be like it was during break- I feel that that's the "true" form of our friendship. But I cannot spare a lot of energy, given where I am and what I'm doing. Perhaps if her and I were able to keep in touch better, I would. If our relationship required more of my time, I would gladly offer it. But it does not. So I'm giving what it requires.

Love is Strange

Okay... So, I mentioned my friend, the one I feel close to and who is very important to me, in a previous post.

Well, I sort of...fell in love with her. Again.

Her and I are exes. Her and I were engaged at one point, and, obviously, it didn't work out.

When we got back in touch, we really re-established our friendship. We got close again, and romantical feelings sort of re-emerged in the background. But recently some things have developed in that region of our relationship and I can't say they're absolutely pleasing...

We talked a bit about dating again...and it was decided that, ultimately, she's too busy for a relationship. She needs time for her mate. That, and she needs someone who can be around her all of the time. Her needs wouldn't be satisfied because of the general state of things at the moment...

I'm feeling a bit sad because I can't be with her. I never got entirely over her to begin with, and during the break I got my hopes up again...so the disappointment is even more poignant. Despite what happens I can't help but feel that we'd make a great couple...

I feel like she still thinks of me the way that I used to be... when we were together years ago I was a very controlling and self-centered person. I cared more about my own needs than hers and I just didn't care about the state of our relationship for the right reasons. I really loved her, don't get me wrong-- I was just so tied up in my own problems that I was unable to show it, and to treat her like the love of my life that she was. I suspect she still thinks I'd be this way... I know I've changed...but I guess it isn't enough for her to see it...

I really wish I was able to fulfill her needs. It sort of hurts my pride that I can't be all that she needs in a partner... but there's more involved here than what I am and what I'm not... I know she loves me, and that, if everything was perfect, she'd probably be with me...

I really hope that she finds what she needs in life and in a mate. Whether or not I'm that mate is of little consequence in the grand scheme of things. What's important is that she is happy, and that she finds the one she needs and at the right time in her life.

I love her, and I want to help her as best I can. What this requires of me is that I be the friend she needs and wants me to be. I'm not friends with her just to fulfill my own needs...I'm her friend because I love her and I want her to be happy...so I'd better start doing what she needs me to do.

I'd take her happiness over my own desires any day.

In the cold and the dark

There has been a huge cold snap here for the last few days. It was down to -15 degrees Fahrenheit this morning, and in the afternoon it reached a high of 5.

We've been working outside in this cold, and it's reminded me of why I love the cold so much. It's soothing. It calms me, it makes me breathe deeper and easier, and it makes me more aware of my physical being. Yesterday it got really, really cold during the afternoon (-4) and while I was outside, I could feel my mind slowing down. I couldn't feel the parts of my body that were exposed, and the rest of my body was neither hot nor cold. I felt calm, and peaceful.

Freezing to death is also a very peaceful way to die. In the best case, you merely fall asleep. You stop shivering, you get tired...you lay down, and you pass into the next world. Unless, of course, you get frost bite and try to warm up. Then the cold bites you. Ice crystals form in your blood while you're freezing, they expand in your blood vessels and actually rupture them. You don't feel it unless you warm up again.

I love the cold. I feel most comfortable in it. The air is clean (nothing can live in it- no mold/fungi, no bacteria, etc). It's as close to pure as it ever can get during the year. The snow is soft and soothing. I also love how short the days are. Dark and cold- my domain.

After being out in freezing temperatures for the past few days, I've realized an interesting effect it has on me. Besides slowing my bodily processes, it seems to help me think more clearly. Very strange, but definitely good to know.

Speaking of thinking clearly...

I mentioned a friend of mine in my last entry. Well, I've had a lot of time apart from her and I've been thinking about her and things involving her lately.

She used to have my heart. We were together, and quite close. It ended a while ago, and slowly I took my heart back (in bits). But, over the break, she took it back from me. Well...she took it back and I sort of just handed it over... I was hesitant at first, but I realized I really loved her. I trusted her with it, again.

And now I'm thinking maybe that was a mistake.

See...she's a career woman. She's working quite hard in school, and she's also got a full time part time job. She's a busy woman, and I commend her for it. Thing is, her career's got her heart. She can't give it to me. And, I'm thinking that even if she could, she wouldn't.

Long story short, I thought she was in love with me... and it doesn't matter if I was right or wrong...because she isn't. And, of course, I'm feeling the usual "I love them but they don't love me" thing.

I'm beginning to think that this sort of situation speaks to me about my poor choice of trust and judgment. I trust the right people at the wrong time. I don't look hard enough at the situation. I'm not disciplined enough, I don't control my emotions, and I end up getting hurt because of it.

I have a hard time with this. I seem to live in extremes with trust. I either trust no one, or trust someone entirely. This is bad.

I need to work on this.

Yule '08

I'm now back on campus, and I'm just thinking on the events of the break.

My last post was at the very beginning of the break. A lot of stuff has happened since then.

I stayed at my brother's apartment for about 2 or 3 days, until I had heard that Lois and Bob left their place to visit Bob's parent's house for a week. Since I would have the place to myself, I decided to go there and spend some time alone, thinking.

The time alone was very nice. It was what I needed to get back in touch with myself, to remember who I am. I got to sort a lot of things out, especially the spiritual lessons I learned from my brief encounter with my father.

A few days into my solitude, an old friend of mine called me. I was surprised; I spent a few hours one night straining to remember her phone number. When I had finally given up, she called me. Synchronicity, anyone? Anyway, it was good hearing from her. She's always had a knack for calling when I need someone to talk to, even just for outside human contact. Her and I talked for a while...and the conversation started us up talking again.

She called me on a daily basis from that point on, and I feel we've established a good, strong bond over the period in which we talked. It does my heart good to have her in my life again... she was always very special to me, and I was never able to really let go of her. Something inside me simply refused to let go. And now, I think I know why, aside from pure, raw love- it knew I'd be throwing away the possibility for what her and I have now.

And I'm just thrilled to have her friendship again. I'm really honored to be in her life, and for her to be in mine. She's an amazing woman. She's an extremely giving person, and there's not a selfish bone in her body. She's also highly intelligent. Very warm and kind, and just so...authentic. She's just her, and she expects others to be themselves. She's real.

That was one of the highlights of the break. Definitely.

Other than that, I learned a lot about myself, merely by considering my blood relatives and their issues. I was able to identify parts of myself which would manifest subconsciously and thus effect my way of living and the way I'd interact with other people. I was able to just banish/phase out a lot of harmful ways of thinking...and the ones that I couldn't, I learned about them anyway and how I act because of them. One of the biggest issues I've got is fear. I'm afraid of...being abandoned. I guess that's no surprise, considering where I come from. But I really don't like the way this fear makes me act toward people I get close to. I took them out on a dear friend, and I felt like a fool afterward. Luckily, she's a forgiving person...

A place called "home"

So, since I've been back I've visited three different places. My father's, my mother's, and my brother's.

I find that I am not happy nor comfortable in any of these places. None of them feel like "home".

My father, as I have previously mentioned, still drinks. His house had a weird energy lingering in it. I felt...life, somewhere in it. In all the nick-knacks, the decorations, the kitchen tools and the furniture...the apartment felt like someone full of energy and interest lived there. But at the same time, I felt something heavier crowding those lighter energies out. It felt as if my father was no longer there, but in his place was...a hollow shell, a drunken man...someone I didn't recognize. I was there for about 20 minutes, but I was overwhelmed with disappointment, because of my father's drinking. That, and the strange mix of energies...it just was not comfortable.

My brother's house is probably the most neutral in terms of energy. It's a new apartment, one I haven't been to before this. It's small, and sort of cozy. But, despite my brother's hospitality, I'm...bored. And the last thing I need right now is to be bored...

Then...I visited my mother's house. The one I lived in before I moved out of to go to school. The place was crowded, cramped, and in it I felt the same dense energies I felt at my father's. But there was a conspicuous absence of the energies of life.

My mother is an alcoholic. She's gone to AA, and she no longer drinks, but she's replaced it with something worse. She's got some chronic illness from which she's often in a lot of physical pain. So she takes several medications for it. She's also got psychological issues, as well as mental issues, so she takes medications for that. She's on several different medications, and she abuses them. But she does so with her doctor's orders...

All of the medical professionals she's been to have been unable to find anything wrong with her. It makes me think that perhaps she makes it up so she can get her pills from the doctor.

So, she's on medication almost constantly, and as a result, she's pretty much "stoned" almost constantly. It's a sad thing to see.

Before I left, I lived with my mother in that same apartment for about 8 years, and as I grew, as I became more aware of myself and the world, I became more aware of her and her state. By the time I left for the Ranger School, I was practically dying to get out. My mother's depression was sinking in to me, and the more I realized I couldn't help her, and she didn't want to help herself, the more desperate I was to leave. The relief I felt when I got to campus, and submerged myself in the education, was palpable. So I wasn't, and I'm not, happy to be back. I feel full of fear, and dread. I went to the place last night, and I sat in my old room. It felt smaller than I remembered...and I felt the energies of years of sadness, self-discovery, significant spiritual experiences, all just sitting in there. I was overwhelmed.

I realize now that the fact that I saw and felt all that I did tells me that I changed a lot in the 4 and a half months I was gone. If things seemed the same to me, it would mean my perspective didn't change. But they seemed different, thus my perspective did change, which in turn means I as a person changed.

But I'm still fearful. My biggest fear is that the classmate that gave me a ride home is going to forget/decide not to bring me back. If that happens, I'm not sure what I'll do... I prayed and continue to pray that he remembers to pick me up. I pray that he's more dependable than most others in my life have proven to be.

I'm also not sure what I'll do or where I'll stay for the next 3 weeks. I'm bored, and I'm lonely.

All of this dramatic stuff so far is teaching me one thing...I've got no home. I've got places I can go for shelter...but I don't have a home. A place with loving family or friends, a place where I'm not only welcome, but also invited. For some reason, in this lifetime I'm to go without a loving supportive family. All of my immediate family members are incapable of giving me the care and love that most "normal" families do. I'm pretty much on my own emotionally/mentally and even physically.

Is this Karma? Or did my Divine Mother and Father choose this for me?

Either way...it could be a lot worse. If anything, it's toughening me up, and making me even more determined and capable of doing what I want in my lifetime, and making myself into what and who I want to be.

Gods be with me.

Winter Break

So, I'm back in the Catskill region. My first semester at the Ranger School has ended; all of the finals have been taken, and now it's a time of rest.

I was supposed to stay at my father's house for the break. However, things aren't going quite as planned. My father (and the rest of my family, excluding myself) have a deep history of alcoholism. In a few conversations I had with him before the semester was over, in which we were planning my visit there, he told he had stopped drinking 'cold turkey'. I guess the naive little boy reared his head in for a moment, because I believed it. I had little doubt; at least one of my parents must have the strength and courage to fight off the shadow of alcoholism, right?

Well, I arrived there last night, and he was drunk. There were two very big bottles of vodka on his kitchen table, one was open and the other was empty. I tried to talk to him about it...I was respectful in my approach, but my disappointment must have shown. I asked him what alcohol brought to him, and why he felt he needed to drink. He ignored those questions, but then got angry and told me he didn't like me telling him what to do. The subject was changed- I called my brother and he came to pick me up, and I spent the night at his place.

I struggle to find the words to express the profound feelings of isolation and loneliness I'm experiencing. My mother is addicted to pills, my father to alcohol. The only person in my immediate family that has anything resembling sanity and self-control is my brother, but he's emotionally stunted to the point where he doesn't love deeply the way most family members do toward eachother. I feel like I've got no other human on which to depend on for anything. The only beings with me are the Lady and Lord.

Well, here's to a happy Yule anyway. I'll keep my mind on that.

Forestry and the Pagan

Hey, it's me, and I'm still around. Hooray!

As if you couldn't tell from the entry-gap, I've been a little busy lately. More classes, more studies, more projects, more 'home' work. It's a heavy load but I like keeping busy.

I knew being here would be a challenge, and I haven't been disappointed. But I can feel myself developing as a human, as a primate. With every skill I learn, I feel myself closer to my ancestors, and to the wild nature of my human-ness. Take, for example, the sharpening of an axe (the 'whetting' of an axe would be more appropriate). Here I am, using my brain and my thumbs, both of which are my natural advantage, to create/improve a tool that I'll be using to manipulate a part of the world in which I live. I'll be using it to fell trees (seems anti-Wiccan in every way, but I'll get to that in a bit), to build trails, and all sorts of other applications. I'm a human; making and using tools is what I do.

As for the felling trees....I've felled approximately 6 trees already. I used a chainsaw to do it. I've heard of the chainsaw being referred to as "an icon that represents everything against Pagan thought". I don't agree, but I don't exactly like chainsaws either. They're loud, they stink, and they're very dangerous. But, it's a tool, and, since any self-respecting Forest Tech should at least know how to operate one, I had to do it. I look at my education as a definite advantage to Gaia and to her physical form. My colleagues and I will be the next stewards of the bounty the Earth sustains us with. We'll pretty much be in charge of how our species attains uses what Gaia gives us. Killing a few trees to learn to do it is a sacrifice that has to be made... it reminds me of the Green Man; the God of Vegetation, that sacrifices himself for the good of everyone else. He's done it again-- except this time he's firewood and experience, rather than beer and corn.

Also, let's not forget the fact that growing trees and harvesting them is a form of agriculture (Don't believe me? USDA Forest Service. 'Nuff said). Last I checked, agriculture is a rather sacred thing to us Pagan-folk. So, I choose to see forestry as a sacred thing too. It's another manifestation of our relationship with the Great Mother and her form of Gaia. Of course, we've got to be smart about how we take what we need from the forests. And, from my experience, forestry isn't just about timber harvesting anymore. It's about caring for the forests; their ecosystems, their cycles. We observe and, largely, we learn. We let Nature do what she'll do, and we take what we need. This isn't always the case, though...there are those out there that rape and pillage, rather than take what they need and give back in the form of restoration and conscious forestry practices. (Unfortunately, seems a few of my classmates are of this mindset- take, take take). Forestry can be and is sacred if practiced respectfully and mindfully.