Life again

Things are certainly interesting this week.

The Forestry students have been outside from 8:15 am to 4:30 pm cruising timber. We're in a compartment of the Dubuar forest that happens to be completely out of walking distance from the actual campus. The weather has been cold (it is winter, after all), but yesterday it was about 7 degrees F. We're on our feet moving around the forest all day, with a small lunch break thrown in somewhere. The whole point of the class (Forest Inventory Practicum, it's called) is to get experience on how to inventory a species. It isn't rocket science, but a lot of it is a science as well as an art. It's surprisingly physically demanding, because you're on your feet for about 8 hours, and then right afterward you have to switch to "mental mode" and do a whole lot of calculations. This isn't rocket science either, but when you're exhausted from wandering around the woods all day in snow shoes in 3+ feet of snow on unevend ground in the brutal temperatures and howling wind carrying a lot of equipment....it can be a challenge.

Star is being...Star. She sent me an email last night telling me, basically, she doesn't want me to love her, she loves me but wants to follow her head instead of her heart and that, while she doesn't know entirely what to do, she's pretty much deciding to leave love on the backburner until further notice (and she doesn't know when this notice will be coming). This leaves me in an awkward position, as she has my heart but I don't have hers, and I'm left feeling drained, disappointed, and heartbreakingly unsurprised. I had a feeling things would go in this direction after break. I was hoping they wouldn't. I was hoping our love would actually blossom this time, instead of being trampled as a seedling by fears, doubts, and completely unecessary complication. But, once again, any hope of love with this marvelous woman is torn away from me by her own free will. I was upset at first...I was angry. But then I realized, why bother? What is the point of getting and staying upset over this? There is nothing I can do about it. She doesn't want what I'm offering her, and she doesn't want to devote herself to anyone including me, and there is absolutely nothing I can do. So I'm not going to get upset. I do feel angry, I feel slightly used and lead-on as well. But I'm going to feel these things and let them go. I love her, and I don't plan on consciously changing this.

As things in Nature perish, they are broken down. They eventually cease to exist, and their energy and being becomes a part of another living thing. So too might my love for Star. It will go unexpressed, and hidden. Like a flower in perpetual darkness, it may whither and dry and turn to dust, given time and given the right conditions. May it go peacefully, with no pain or anguish to either of us... if it does go.

So, when the heck is the last time I actually posted about anything Pagan in this blog? Sure, the rants and ravings of a Pagan are pretty...well, er, Pagan...but when did I actually discuss the topic? That was the whole point of this blog until my heart was hijacked by the most wonderful woman in the world.

I'll get back on track. But my body and heart and mind need some time to rest. I need my weekend.

Oh, one more thing- something realy interesting happened.

This timber cruise project is a really intense and demanding thing, and from what I understand, it always has been. According to Mr. Savage, the professor of the course, a couple of people who worked together on the timber cruise in years past have actually gotten married afterward. I guess it's a sort of bonding experience, and it shows. My partner, let's call her Marie, and I actually became friends after working together steadily for days at a time. We had an awkward and stressful start when we first actually started talking last semester. Before Star came about again, I was single and independent(ish) and I started to develop a thing for Marie. Well, word got around (because some people, as it was proven to me later, cannot be trusted with certain information) and she found out about it. So high school, isn't it? Well, instead of letting the rumors and crap fly around, I went to her and told her how I felt. And I asked her how she felt. She told me she didn't want to answer right then and we just stopped talking after that.

Well, being assigned partners gave us a chance to get to know eachother even better, and I feel better because of it. One less stress in my life, with a new friendship. Not a bad deal, I guess.

Esteem

My self esteem has officially crashed.

It's a combination of being technically homeless, having no real friends nearby, the love situation with Star, and the fact that my family has pretty much disowned me. It's all hitting me at once, and hard.

I can deal with it. These things happen..it's life, right? Bad stuff happens. Regardless of the control we have over ourselves, we have little control over others...and this is where problems come from. I can deal with all of this.

The part I cannot is the fact that I have virtually no moral support. So far, a single friend has talked to me about all of this in a meaningful and supportive way. Other than that, nothing.

Things with Star are still strange. I love her and I now openly show it. I tell her I love her, I send her kisses, hugs, and all manner of affection and attention. She doesn't reciprocate... it doesn't bother me like it used to, because I understand it a tiny bit. All I know is that it isn't personal and that she does (apparently) love me too. That itself is enough to make it easier to deal with n0 reply to my heartfelt expressions.

Star loves me. She has said so, so many times. She loves me, and she cares about me because she loves me.

I'm trying my best to steel myself against the fact that she probably will not open up to me and be lovey to me any time soon. It may never happen. But, if I really loved her, this would not affect it. My love is independent of how she communicates with me and how she feels toward me. I love her, regardless if she reciprocates. That's one of the major virtues of true love; no expectation of return.

Still, though...I won't lie. My biggest dream is to be with her...to be an accepted and welcomed mate and lover. To be her boyfriend, her husband. To be her man. It would be nice if we could make some forward progress to this...I'm...fairly sure she wants this. At least, that is what our last conversations have indicated. I dunno. It would be nice not to feel like a trespasser or unwelcomed when I kiss her, or tell her I love her.

Eh, lookit this...this blog is all about my relations with Star. What can I say... she's a part of my life that is important to me, and a part that I focus on a lot...any spare time I have that isn't spent working, or recovering from working, is spent on my communication with her.

She prolly hates that. But, I'm a devoted friend and (wannabe) mate.

I wonder... something I read recently told me she doesn't like being loved. What if she doesn't like my loving her? Is that why she has trouble opening up to me? Because she doesn't want me to love her?

I wish I knew. I wish I knew for 100% certainty whether or not my love was a welcomed thing. Assumptions and deductions are ok...but I'd rather go on fact...her telling me yes or no. Is my love (and expression thereof) welcome, Star?? *sigh* I may never know... I guess all that I can do is just...express myself and be true to how I feel. If she doesn't like it, she'll tell me...

Bed..

Love

It's such a strange situation...

I'm content loving her, and knowing that, secretly, deep inside, she loves me too. Perhaps her little seeds of love and desire will blossom someday. Perhaps I can provide those seeds with that they need...nurture them until they grow and flower.

I hope this has a happy ending for us both...

More Life

Things are getting really heavy here, on campus.

Just finished a major project for Timber Harvest, Utilization and Transport class. Had to design/engineer a forest road. Extremely complicated, long, and frustrated. I spent over 40 hours on the project but I'm sad to say it wasn't my best work. Then again, I was going based on the directions of a guy who doesn't teach well and a walkthrough with horrible directions and grammar/spelling mistakes. Very difficult. But, it's done, and I'm glad.

Next week is Forest Inventory Practicum class. All we do all next week is spend the day outside, taking an inventory of a section of the forest. It isn't complicated, really, but the math that follows the data collection can be quite hard. Hopefully my partner has an ok handle on it. 8am to 5 pm outside, in the woods... it will either be horrible or very enjoyable.

Been thinking about Star a lot lately, which is nothing new. But something feels different lately. I feel like her and I are distant, and like things between her and I are cooling down or going dormant. It could be because I've been really focused on my studies lately, and haven't spent as much time trying to contact her. But it's so weird... The burning desire to be with her has changed into a dull ache in my heart. I feel my morale and hope for her and I sort of slipping away, and I don't think about it much anymore, and I think this makes it worse. I'm not sure what to do anymore, or how to feel. I enjoy being her friend, but I there are much richer, deeper and more meaningful emotions that I have for her, and I feel limiting our relations to just friends would be a terrible waste of good, pure love. But at the same time, she's just too busy for me...there's no real room in her life for me and it doesn't look like she's ever going to make any, or that any will come her way. So why love? It feels... hopeless. I guess that's what I'm feeling. Hopelessness. But I'm giving into it, rather than resisting. I feel like I'm freezing to death. It's cold, and uncomfortable, but at the same time so peaceful... I don't have the energy or time to fight it anymore... all I can do is accept things for what they are now, and hope that we'll be together someday. But even holding onto that hope is so hard, and knowing that she doesn't want me to hold on makes it so much harder. I can either hold on, or let go and lose everything. It's a stalemate... I love her, and I enjoy our friendship. But depending upon her or any sustained depth to our relationship is... just not reasonable. I just let things be and hold onto the intent of being her friend, and being her lover. Whether this happens now is all up to her...I'm doing all that I can here.

I'm still fighting that feeling of profound loneliness... my "family" has abandoned me.. what few friends I have don't really know me all that well, and the person that knows me best (the person I call my best friend) is... away. Who am I living for, anymore? I live for me, but... I've no one to share it with. Maybe someday I'll have a companion.... or maybe I'll just get used to and comfortable with having my own company all of the time. It's just hard, when you've got no one to go home to.. or no home to speak of in the first place. When you don't have the comfort of knowing that no matter what happens, you've got at least one person there for you. When you know that no matter how good things get, they'll never be good enough for you to say you have someone.

But then there's something...heroic about facing the world on your own. You become so independent that it's reassuring... you pack your own parachute and don't need anyone for your own basic survival. But I feel like I'm slipping beyond the bounds of my ability to build meaningful, emotional relationships with people... I need a sophisticated relationship with someone...an intelligent one... but I feel like every passing moment I spend in this emotional/mental isolation pulls me away from people that much farther...

Maybe I'm being emo... but I'm not going to apologize. I need to let these feelings out, and this blog is the only outlet I've got for it.

And I can't really say sorry for being sad. I know it drives certain individuals away, and if it does, then maybe they should stay away. I cannot help this- seeing the silver lining doesn't always help, and verbalizing feelings is more therapeutic for me than bottling it up and wearing a fake smile on my face. If it makes you not want to be around me, then go. I'm honest about how I feel- this is how I work. If you're upset by the fact that I am not happy, and it annoys/bothers you or makes you feel like I'm dragging you down, then either offer some support or just leave.

Life

So, things are interesting. As always.

My mother has basically told me she doesn't want me to move back to her in Saugerties...Which means if I don't find somewhere to go between now and graduation, I'll be without a residence.

I've already found a potential job. It's a summer job, and seasonal, but I like it from what I know already. Hired workers do trail work/maintenance, they assist in search and rescue, and talk to any visitors of the forest about the place. They live in one of several cabins situated very deep in the woods. So, this would kill 2 birds with one stone: a nice job doing what I know and love, and a place to live. I've still got to get in touch with the person who's in charge of it- I called and left a message late Friday. Hopefully I'll hear from him in the coming week.

Haven't heard from Star. She's probably very, very busy. Which is not surprising, even for a weekend. I usually don't do well in times like these, when she's out of touch for more than a day... but I think I'll be alright this time. My insecurities (shadow) really influence my behavior, but if I'm mindful of them, then it isn't so bad. Still though... where the hell is she? It's been two full days. I'm worried something bad has happened. That's one of the biggest reasons I don't like being out of touch. I never know what's going on in her life...and given the chaotic nature of things there lately, it makes it that much worse. I guess all I can do is send my energies and pray.

Actually, I'm sorta worried. I sent her a couple of pics via email a while back, and when she got them a few days ago all she said was "=) thank you.". Very short...not much was said. And most of her texts around the same time were very short. Makes me wonder if she's thinking/feeling something towards me...like maybe she's changed her mind about things with me or something. Maybe she's pulling away...

Don't wanna think like that...

I thought of something interesting, and now it's sort of bugging me.

She rarely has much free time... the only time I can think of where she wasn't busy with work/school/niece, she hung spent some time with a friend of hers.

Now, the understanding that I have is that she dislikes being out of touch as much as I do, and that, if given the chance, she'd spend some of the available time chatting with me.

Well, during the time when she hung with her friend...I didn't hear from her, at all. Only afterward.

I have a different way of seeing things than she does. I'm thinking she thinks I'm a major pessimist (which I've heard before), but... if it were me, and I had some free time amongst a super-busy schedule in which I'm either working or at class or taking care of a baby, I'd spend it talking to the person I was in love with and whom I had a harder time getting in touch with. I can't assume she's the same way, because Goddess knows she's not.

But still, wouldn't it seem logical for her to txt/call/IM me if she actually had time to do it? Especially considering she's always telling me how we don't have time for eachother?

I'm not angry, or judgmental or jealous or anything at all like that (I doubt she'd believe that. I get the feeling I take away any faith she has in me...), but it is a really good question. Why didn't she use (some of) the time she had to talk to me?

Anyway...

Next week (16th) is the Timber Cruise. From 8 to 5 pm we'll be out with our respective partners, taking an inventory of one of the sections of the forest. We actually start this in the morning on Friday of this week, then go till the Monday of the week after the following week (there's gotta be a better way to word that)... We'll be outside in the snow and cold, on our feet ALL DAY. I'm kinda looking forward to it, cuz I like to be outside, but then I'm not because its so much work. Meh.

Pathology final tomorrow. Sort of feeling prepared, but then not. I can't find my damned patho binder ANYWHERE. I think someone stole it. It's gone. Not in the library, comp lab, Jason's room, my room. Nowhere. It is clearly a "wtf" moment.

So, I can't study for it. Ok, so if I REALLY wanted to, I could borrow someone else's stuff. Maybe. But, I dunno. I'm not feeling motivated to do it at all. I spent ALL GODDAMNED DAY on CAD, working on my road design. Complicated, tedious, and annoying. But I feel accomplished. On step 101, and apparently a lot of the rest of the design is just forms (paperwork, basically). Cut/fill totals, cost, etc etc etc.

Speaking of roads... got a test in roads class tomorrow. My partner is Nate. Whose nickname is "Cinderblock".

... It'll be fun.

Still thinking of Sarah. I do that a lot.

I'm lonely. Isn'y it just pathetic that I'm in love with a wonderful girl...but still so lonely?

I've got friends. A few, anyway. But somehow I still feel isolated. I feel like I can't connect properly and emotionally to others. Except for a few. I feel like... I'm the only person in the world sometimes... I feel like no one cares about me.

Sometimes, despite how happy I may be at times... I just wouldn't mind moving onto the next life. Sometimes I just want to give up. I've got a lot going for me, yes. But I've got no one to share it all with. Most days are a struggle for me. I have no one to share my thoughts and feelings with. No one to share my views with. (That's the main reason I made this blog) I'll have a really satisfying career...but I'll still be lonely. There's a chance I'll meet someone someday, but... that doesn't make me feel any better, somehow. It's just a chance, and, given my professional field is dominated by men...It just doesn't seem very likely.

Besides. Whoever it'd be...it wouldn't be Sarah.

She'd cringe at that. But...I've been in love with her since we've met. Even through all of that really rough stuff, I always had a spot for her in my heart.

And things just don't change...

I try to be an upbeat person. I feel content with things most of the time, if not happy. And when she's around, I'm happy for sure, unless something is very wrong...unless there's a splinter in my heart. Otherwise, she makes me happy 95% of the time, and I do my best to send it back to her. She hates when I'm feeling/talking sad, which I can understand. No one likes a downer. But...I find it hard not to express myself, especially when i'm not happy. Better to verbalize it than let it fester inside...I can't deal with that. If I don't let the feelings out, they control me.

I dunno. Life is a struggle, and I'm getting stronger because of it. But the strength doesn't help when the struggles get more bitter and more desperate, and that much harder because of it.

I apologize to whoever may be reading this. Especially to those of you who are sensetive to sad things. Especially you Sarah.

It isn't mean to be sad. It's meant to be true. It just happens to be a truth that is sad.

I gotta sleep. Gotta get up n feel rested tomorrow.

I feel that all I ever do for her is make her angry.

I'm not sure what it is, but I think it has to do with how I communicate my thoughts and feelings. I think I word things differently than she does.

I don't think she knows just how much I really do love and feel for her. I think it's because I do a bad job of expressing it. Like I said, all I do is piss her off. When she talks to me, she's usually sad/angry more than anything else.

It's maddening. I've got so much love for her. Yet all I bring into her life is sadness and anger and resentment. And I try not to. Its like I can't even help it half the time. I do something essential, like express how I feel, and somehow I screw it up or turn it into something it isn't, and I get her angry. It happens all the time.

I wish I could be a positive influence in her life. I wish I could help her, or at least be what she wants me to be and do it well, instead of just hurting her constantly. I love her so much but all I do is hurt her.

I fucking loathe myself most of the time. It's shit like this that makes it so. I can't fucking go one day without fucking things with her all up, and ruining any kind of rapport or harmony we make together.

I'm a fucking monster. I can't make this decision for her, but if it were up to me, I'd just not bother with me. I'm a fucking waste of her time and energy. I'm fucking useless. All I do is make her miserable. I hate it. Why kind of existence is this? What the fuck did I ever do to fucking deserve this? The woman I love more than life itself, and I can't even be around her without upsetting her. What the fuck do I need to do to change things? I've been through some transformations that would make a fucking Saint kneel before me, to make a "believer" out of the most pessimistic atheist; yet, no matter what I do, I cannot make the love of my life and best friend happy.

I may deserve this bullshit, but she sure as hell doesn't. I'm tired of having such a bad influence on her and her life. Fuck me, fuck my emotional baggage, and fuck this whole situation. I'm tired of it. Nothing I ever do is enough, so what the fuck is the point? I may be a great guy and all that horseshit, but it doesn't matter. She'll NEVER BE FUCKING HAPPY with me around.

This post would probably just fucking get her mad. Or make her upset.

I just don't know what to do anymore...

I just got a very handy chunk of advice from an old friend. It was completely unexpected, and, oddly enough, she basically re-voiced an ideal I had gained and held during winter break. I had forgotten it since, but now that I've been reminded, I've realized something.

Love is not about clinging to someone. The emphasis is not about staying by their side through the drama, or about suffering for them. The emphasis is doing all this while remembering you love them. It's about loving them unconditionally and without expectation.

I lost touch with myself and with that newfound idea. And, as a result, I clung to Sarah mercilessly and expected so much, and, because of that, got my heart broken not once, but twice, and because of this same reason.

This talk with Kari put me on track. I'm seeing more clearly than I have been for the past month or so.

I love Sarah- that has never changed. But I've done a poor job of expressing it.

Now, back to being the real me...

"...and she wants none of it. She wants the least of what I can give. I'm happy to be her friend. But to pretend I don't love her with all my heart? To hide it, to swallow it, to keep it inside for an undisclosed amount of time, amongst a sea of uncertainty, amongst a barren landscape with a lack of promises, until a time that may never come? I'm being pushed to my limits in terms of trust. "Faith" is not something I do. I cannot trust someone without a very good reason to do so. Loving someone is a good reason to do many things, but it is not a good reason to blindly place one's faith into another. It seems my love for her does have it's limits.

Limits, of course, is what makes it so real, and so authentic. If I said I'd kill for her, it isn't love. It's infatuation."

Love is pushing your own limits for another, while, at the same time, respecting them.

It seems I've got to make a decision...

Hekate, Goddess of the Crossroads... guide me.

I've never felt so unwanted by someone who loves me.

I thought I had a chance to see her at least once. To be honest, a part of me has always doubted we'd ever meet. I'm not entirely sure why, but it's probably because of the fact that any relationship we've ever had was always unhealthy. They never lasted. We'd be friends for a short while, and something would happen. We'd date on again and off again. I guess the idea of a visit to her while she's in another state seemed too much like something stable or permanent...and we're no good at either of those things, apparently...

I was gonna buy a round-trip ticket and go see her this summer...the timing would have been perfect. Summertime... after a long, hard year at this place, with no real responsibilities to speak of. Just fly off down south to see the woman I love.

Well... she's a real career woman. She's gonna go into a (competitive) internship with JPMorgan Chase, in Delaware. She won't be there this summer...

I'm proud of her. She's such a strong woman, and she's so damned brave. I've always envied, yet admired that part of her. Now, here she is, competing (no competition, really) for an internship with a huge finances firm, out-of-state. I'm happy for her.

I did my best to hide the fact that this news made some mixed feelings in me. I was crushed. My hopes of seeing her, at least once in this life time, were just taken away. I can't really say what's worse, either- the fact that they're taken away by something so good (thus removing my ability to object, at least openly), the fact that I didn't know about something so huge in her life until just today, or the fact that, geographically speaking, she'll be about twice as close to me as she would be in in her home state, and I STILL cannot see her.

I'm really doing my best to appear a strong person to her, to act like none of this is gutting me, while at the same time remaining honest about how I feel. I love her. I wanna be with her, and stay with her. I wanna be her friend, and I wanna be her mate. I have no problem with the former...but it's complicated by the latter. It is SO HARD to stand by someone, to let them have your heart, when you're not even sure they want it. She says she loves me, and she said the other day she plans on being with me "at some point", and that's usually good enough for me. But not when I'm told my expressing my love to her is a bother. When I'm told she'd prefer it if I didn't. I can understand; she doesn't want to be reminded of what she can't comfortably have at this point. But that's the thing. She doesn't want to be reminded of how she feels about me, about me, as a mate, about how I feel. That hurts. I feel like I'm condemned for what she feels toward me. I'm not mad at her...at least, I try not to be when I start to feel that way. I'm just so frustrated.

I know what she'd say if I told her all of this, too. She'd tell me she doesn't like causing me this pain, and she'd either try to convince me to stop loving her/being friends with her, etc, or she'd do one of those, or both herself.

She doesn't know it, but I feel like I'm dying. After our phone conversation today I just...I was in a fog. Everything was a blur. I cried in my wildlife and rec lab, in my room, then at dinner. I couldn't stop shivering.

I wouldn't have such a hard time with this if... if she was willing to live with the fact that we're in love. It's hard enough that we're apart, but pretending I don't love her and am just interested in her as a friend is near impossible. Why do we have to pretend we aren't in love? Why do we have to keep ourselves apart? Why is my loving her so bad? Why doesn't she want it bad enough? Why isn't she willing to make room for us in her life? Why doesn't she include me? Why won't she let me include her? Why??

I'm so torn between feelings now... I want to get rid of these feelings and try my best to be her friend...but then I don't wanna let go of the love. It's a miracle to me, still, that our love for eachother remains after all this time. I want to do what'll make her happy...but it hurts so bad. I want to run away...but I don't want to abandon her, or leave her side... not this time. I promised her, and I want to keep that promise. I have so much love for her, and I'm bound by my duty as her friend, and by my own word, to hold it in, to keep it a secret, to pretend I don't feel the way I really do.

I just don't know what to do. I don't know what to say, how to feel, how to think, what to expect. All I know is that I just don't want to be conscious anymore.

Despite all this, I still love her...I don't want her to leave.




Why...

The Darker Side of Love

So the past few days have been interesting.

The forest tech. students traveled to Syracuse, NY for the annual New York Society of American Foresters meeting. It was held at a pretty nice hotel, and hundreds of people were there. We left early thursday morning, arrived and attended several meetings about different things in the forestry world, then we spent the night. The next day was more of the same until noon, when we departed the hotel and visted a local surveying firm in the small town of Teresa.

The whole experience was interesting. I got to rub shoulders with various professionals in my chosen field, and sit in on discussions about various issues in said field. I also got to stay at a fancy hotel and eat fancy food.

I learned a lot about forestry in a professional sense, and I learned a lot about myself as well.

I know that I do not want to get too deeply involved with the politics of forestry. It has it's importance; a lot of the general public have misconceptions about what forestry is all about, so the PR aspect of the political scene is important. But it isn't for me. I'm the one out in the woods, working with the trees and the plants, the soil and the water.

Right now I feel like I'm in a bit of a slump. A funk.

I miss StarEnchantress terribly.

Her and I had a "moment" while I was at the hotel. We talked on the phone for a while, and it felt so good. It was nourishing, to talk to the woman who is both my friend and my love. We reconnected, and I feel like we were both reassured.

Now I miss her like crazy. I've been wandering around with my head in a fog all day, crying off and on. My entire body aches to be with her, as does my mind and heart. I can't focus; all I can think about is her.

At least now I understand completely why she doesn't want to date. Because if we were together, our separation would be completely unbearable. I think this is bad? Imagine actually being her boyfriend but not hearing from her often. Gods this fucking hurts. It is the most maddening thing.

I can also understand why she'd want to ignore the love. I've thought about it myself..it would be so relieving to not have to carry the burden of knowing your love is out there somewhere, but nowhere near you. But...I don't want to. This whole thing will either kill me (seems likely, but it isn't, I'm sure), or by the time her and I are together, I'll be the best mate/lover/friend she's ever had, ever. With all of this love, how can I not be?

The help of a Dark Goddess would be so welcome right about now. I need to cope with this, damnit, and I need to transform it into something helpful, supportive and nourishing.

I wonder sometimes if she ever wants to stop talking. If she feels the same way I do (I know she loves me...she told me so!), how can she ignore it when we talk? Can she? I'm afraid she'll just get sick of our limited communication and just leave...

I love you, wherever you are...