Life again

Things are certainly interesting this week.

The Forestry students have been outside from 8:15 am to 4:30 pm cruising timber. We're in a compartment of the Dubuar forest that happens to be completely out of walking distance from the actual campus. The weather has been cold (it is winter, after all), but yesterday it was about 7 degrees F. We're on our feet moving around the forest all day, with a small lunch break thrown in somewhere. The whole point of the class (Forest Inventory Practicum, it's called) is to get experience on how to inventory a species. It isn't rocket science, but a lot of it is a science as well as an art. It's surprisingly physically demanding, because you're on your feet for about 8 hours, and then right afterward you have to switch to "mental mode" and do a whole lot of calculations. This isn't rocket science either, but when you're exhausted from wandering around the woods all day in snow shoes in 3+ feet of snow on unevend ground in the brutal temperatures and howling wind carrying a lot of equipment....it can be a challenge.

Star is being...Star. She sent me an email last night telling me, basically, she doesn't want me to love her, she loves me but wants to follow her head instead of her heart and that, while she doesn't know entirely what to do, she's pretty much deciding to leave love on the backburner until further notice (and she doesn't know when this notice will be coming). This leaves me in an awkward position, as she has my heart but I don't have hers, and I'm left feeling drained, disappointed, and heartbreakingly unsurprised. I had a feeling things would go in this direction after break. I was hoping they wouldn't. I was hoping our love would actually blossom this time, instead of being trampled as a seedling by fears, doubts, and completely unecessary complication. But, once again, any hope of love with this marvelous woman is torn away from me by her own free will. I was upset at first...I was angry. But then I realized, why bother? What is the point of getting and staying upset over this? There is nothing I can do about it. She doesn't want what I'm offering her, and she doesn't want to devote herself to anyone including me, and there is absolutely nothing I can do. So I'm not going to get upset. I do feel angry, I feel slightly used and lead-on as well. But I'm going to feel these things and let them go. I love her, and I don't plan on consciously changing this.

As things in Nature perish, they are broken down. They eventually cease to exist, and their energy and being becomes a part of another living thing. So too might my love for Star. It will go unexpressed, and hidden. Like a flower in perpetual darkness, it may whither and dry and turn to dust, given time and given the right conditions. May it go peacefully, with no pain or anguish to either of us... if it does go.

So, when the heck is the last time I actually posted about anything Pagan in this blog? Sure, the rants and ravings of a Pagan are pretty...well, er, Pagan...but when did I actually discuss the topic? That was the whole point of this blog until my heart was hijacked by the most wonderful woman in the world.

I'll get back on track. But my body and heart and mind need some time to rest. I need my weekend.

Oh, one more thing- something realy interesting happened.

This timber cruise project is a really intense and demanding thing, and from what I understand, it always has been. According to Mr. Savage, the professor of the course, a couple of people who worked together on the timber cruise in years past have actually gotten married afterward. I guess it's a sort of bonding experience, and it shows. My partner, let's call her Marie, and I actually became friends after working together steadily for days at a time. We had an awkward and stressful start when we first actually started talking last semester. Before Star came about again, I was single and independent(ish) and I started to develop a thing for Marie. Well, word got around (because some people, as it was proven to me later, cannot be trusted with certain information) and she found out about it. So high school, isn't it? Well, instead of letting the rumors and crap fly around, I went to her and told her how I felt. And I asked her how she felt. She told me she didn't want to answer right then and we just stopped talking after that.

Well, being assigned partners gave us a chance to get to know eachother even better, and I feel better because of it. One less stress in my life, with a new friendship. Not a bad deal, I guess.