More Life

Things are getting really heavy here, on campus.

Just finished a major project for Timber Harvest, Utilization and Transport class. Had to design/engineer a forest road. Extremely complicated, long, and frustrated. I spent over 40 hours on the project but I'm sad to say it wasn't my best work. Then again, I was going based on the directions of a guy who doesn't teach well and a walkthrough with horrible directions and grammar/spelling mistakes. Very difficult. But, it's done, and I'm glad.

Next week is Forest Inventory Practicum class. All we do all next week is spend the day outside, taking an inventory of a section of the forest. It isn't complicated, really, but the math that follows the data collection can be quite hard. Hopefully my partner has an ok handle on it. 8am to 5 pm outside, in the woods... it will either be horrible or very enjoyable.

Been thinking about Star a lot lately, which is nothing new. But something feels different lately. I feel like her and I are distant, and like things between her and I are cooling down or going dormant. It could be because I've been really focused on my studies lately, and haven't spent as much time trying to contact her. But it's so weird... The burning desire to be with her has changed into a dull ache in my heart. I feel my morale and hope for her and I sort of slipping away, and I don't think about it much anymore, and I think this makes it worse. I'm not sure what to do anymore, or how to feel. I enjoy being her friend, but I there are much richer, deeper and more meaningful emotions that I have for her, and I feel limiting our relations to just friends would be a terrible waste of good, pure love. But at the same time, she's just too busy for me...there's no real room in her life for me and it doesn't look like she's ever going to make any, or that any will come her way. So why love? It feels... hopeless. I guess that's what I'm feeling. Hopelessness. But I'm giving into it, rather than resisting. I feel like I'm freezing to death. It's cold, and uncomfortable, but at the same time so peaceful... I don't have the energy or time to fight it anymore... all I can do is accept things for what they are now, and hope that we'll be together someday. But even holding onto that hope is so hard, and knowing that she doesn't want me to hold on makes it so much harder. I can either hold on, or let go and lose everything. It's a stalemate... I love her, and I enjoy our friendship. But depending upon her or any sustained depth to our relationship is... just not reasonable. I just let things be and hold onto the intent of being her friend, and being her lover. Whether this happens now is all up to her...I'm doing all that I can here.

I'm still fighting that feeling of profound loneliness... my "family" has abandoned me.. what few friends I have don't really know me all that well, and the person that knows me best (the person I call my best friend) is... away. Who am I living for, anymore? I live for me, but... I've no one to share it with. Maybe someday I'll have a companion.... or maybe I'll just get used to and comfortable with having my own company all of the time. It's just hard, when you've got no one to go home to.. or no home to speak of in the first place. When you don't have the comfort of knowing that no matter what happens, you've got at least one person there for you. When you know that no matter how good things get, they'll never be good enough for you to say you have someone.

But then there's something...heroic about facing the world on your own. You become so independent that it's reassuring... you pack your own parachute and don't need anyone for your own basic survival. But I feel like I'm slipping beyond the bounds of my ability to build meaningful, emotional relationships with people... I need a sophisticated relationship with someone...an intelligent one... but I feel like every passing moment I spend in this emotional/mental isolation pulls me away from people that much farther...

Maybe I'm being emo... but I'm not going to apologize. I need to let these feelings out, and this blog is the only outlet I've got for it.

And I can't really say sorry for being sad. I know it drives certain individuals away, and if it does, then maybe they should stay away. I cannot help this- seeing the silver lining doesn't always help, and verbalizing feelings is more therapeutic for me than bottling it up and wearing a fake smile on my face. If it makes you not want to be around me, then go. I'm honest about how I feel- this is how I work. If you're upset by the fact that I am not happy, and it annoys/bothers you or makes you feel like I'm dragging you down, then either offer some support or just leave.