Life

So, things are interesting. As always.

My mother has basically told me she doesn't want me to move back to her in Saugerties...Which means if I don't find somewhere to go between now and graduation, I'll be without a residence.

I've already found a potential job. It's a summer job, and seasonal, but I like it from what I know already. Hired workers do trail work/maintenance, they assist in search and rescue, and talk to any visitors of the forest about the place. They live in one of several cabins situated very deep in the woods. So, this would kill 2 birds with one stone: a nice job doing what I know and love, and a place to live. I've still got to get in touch with the person who's in charge of it- I called and left a message late Friday. Hopefully I'll hear from him in the coming week.

Haven't heard from Star. She's probably very, very busy. Which is not surprising, even for a weekend. I usually don't do well in times like these, when she's out of touch for more than a day... but I think I'll be alright this time. My insecurities (shadow) really influence my behavior, but if I'm mindful of them, then it isn't so bad. Still though... where the hell is she? It's been two full days. I'm worried something bad has happened. That's one of the biggest reasons I don't like being out of touch. I never know what's going on in her life...and given the chaotic nature of things there lately, it makes it that much worse. I guess all I can do is send my energies and pray.

Actually, I'm sorta worried. I sent her a couple of pics via email a while back, and when she got them a few days ago all she said was "=) thank you.". Very short...not much was said. And most of her texts around the same time were very short. Makes me wonder if she's thinking/feeling something towards me...like maybe she's changed her mind about things with me or something. Maybe she's pulling away...

Don't wanna think like that...

I thought of something interesting, and now it's sort of bugging me.

She rarely has much free time... the only time I can think of where she wasn't busy with work/school/niece, she hung spent some time with a friend of hers.

Now, the understanding that I have is that she dislikes being out of touch as much as I do, and that, if given the chance, she'd spend some of the available time chatting with me.

Well, during the time when she hung with her friend...I didn't hear from her, at all. Only afterward.

I have a different way of seeing things than she does. I'm thinking she thinks I'm a major pessimist (which I've heard before), but... if it were me, and I had some free time amongst a super-busy schedule in which I'm either working or at class or taking care of a baby, I'd spend it talking to the person I was in love with and whom I had a harder time getting in touch with. I can't assume she's the same way, because Goddess knows she's not.

But still, wouldn't it seem logical for her to txt/call/IM me if she actually had time to do it? Especially considering she's always telling me how we don't have time for eachother?

I'm not angry, or judgmental or jealous or anything at all like that (I doubt she'd believe that. I get the feeling I take away any faith she has in me...), but it is a really good question. Why didn't she use (some of) the time she had to talk to me?

Anyway...

Next week (16th) is the Timber Cruise. From 8 to 5 pm we'll be out with our respective partners, taking an inventory of one of the sections of the forest. We actually start this in the morning on Friday of this week, then go till the Monday of the week after the following week (there's gotta be a better way to word that)... We'll be outside in the snow and cold, on our feet ALL DAY. I'm kinda looking forward to it, cuz I like to be outside, but then I'm not because its so much work. Meh.

Pathology final tomorrow. Sort of feeling prepared, but then not. I can't find my damned patho binder ANYWHERE. I think someone stole it. It's gone. Not in the library, comp lab, Jason's room, my room. Nowhere. It is clearly a "wtf" moment.

So, I can't study for it. Ok, so if I REALLY wanted to, I could borrow someone else's stuff. Maybe. But, I dunno. I'm not feeling motivated to do it at all. I spent ALL GODDAMNED DAY on CAD, working on my road design. Complicated, tedious, and annoying. But I feel accomplished. On step 101, and apparently a lot of the rest of the design is just forms (paperwork, basically). Cut/fill totals, cost, etc etc etc.

Speaking of roads... got a test in roads class tomorrow. My partner is Nate. Whose nickname is "Cinderblock".

... It'll be fun.

Still thinking of Sarah. I do that a lot.

I'm lonely. Isn'y it just pathetic that I'm in love with a wonderful girl...but still so lonely?

I've got friends. A few, anyway. But somehow I still feel isolated. I feel like I can't connect properly and emotionally to others. Except for a few. I feel like... I'm the only person in the world sometimes... I feel like no one cares about me.

Sometimes, despite how happy I may be at times... I just wouldn't mind moving onto the next life. Sometimes I just want to give up. I've got a lot going for me, yes. But I've got no one to share it all with. Most days are a struggle for me. I have no one to share my thoughts and feelings with. No one to share my views with. (That's the main reason I made this blog) I'll have a really satisfying career...but I'll still be lonely. There's a chance I'll meet someone someday, but... that doesn't make me feel any better, somehow. It's just a chance, and, given my professional field is dominated by men...It just doesn't seem very likely.

Besides. Whoever it'd be...it wouldn't be Sarah.

She'd cringe at that. But...I've been in love with her since we've met. Even through all of that really rough stuff, I always had a spot for her in my heart.

And things just don't change...

I try to be an upbeat person. I feel content with things most of the time, if not happy. And when she's around, I'm happy for sure, unless something is very wrong...unless there's a splinter in my heart. Otherwise, she makes me happy 95% of the time, and I do my best to send it back to her. She hates when I'm feeling/talking sad, which I can understand. No one likes a downer. But...I find it hard not to express myself, especially when i'm not happy. Better to verbalize it than let it fester inside...I can't deal with that. If I don't let the feelings out, they control me.

I dunno. Life is a struggle, and I'm getting stronger because of it. But the strength doesn't help when the struggles get more bitter and more desperate, and that much harder because of it.

I apologize to whoever may be reading this. Especially to those of you who are sensetive to sad things. Especially you Sarah.

It isn't mean to be sad. It's meant to be true. It just happens to be a truth that is sad.

I gotta sleep. Gotta get up n feel rested tomorrow.