I've never felt so unwanted by someone who loves me.

I thought I had a chance to see her at least once. To be honest, a part of me has always doubted we'd ever meet. I'm not entirely sure why, but it's probably because of the fact that any relationship we've ever had was always unhealthy. They never lasted. We'd be friends for a short while, and something would happen. We'd date on again and off again. I guess the idea of a visit to her while she's in another state seemed too much like something stable or permanent...and we're no good at either of those things, apparently...

I was gonna buy a round-trip ticket and go see her this summer...the timing would have been perfect. Summertime... after a long, hard year at this place, with no real responsibilities to speak of. Just fly off down south to see the woman I love.

Well... she's a real career woman. She's gonna go into a (competitive) internship with JPMorgan Chase, in Delaware. She won't be there this summer...

I'm proud of her. She's such a strong woman, and she's so damned brave. I've always envied, yet admired that part of her. Now, here she is, competing (no competition, really) for an internship with a huge finances firm, out-of-state. I'm happy for her.

I did my best to hide the fact that this news made some mixed feelings in me. I was crushed. My hopes of seeing her, at least once in this life time, were just taken away. I can't really say what's worse, either- the fact that they're taken away by something so good (thus removing my ability to object, at least openly), the fact that I didn't know about something so huge in her life until just today, or the fact that, geographically speaking, she'll be about twice as close to me as she would be in in her home state, and I STILL cannot see her.

I'm really doing my best to appear a strong person to her, to act like none of this is gutting me, while at the same time remaining honest about how I feel. I love her. I wanna be with her, and stay with her. I wanna be her friend, and I wanna be her mate. I have no problem with the former...but it's complicated by the latter. It is SO HARD to stand by someone, to let them have your heart, when you're not even sure they want it. She says she loves me, and she said the other day she plans on being with me "at some point", and that's usually good enough for me. But not when I'm told my expressing my love to her is a bother. When I'm told she'd prefer it if I didn't. I can understand; she doesn't want to be reminded of what she can't comfortably have at this point. But that's the thing. She doesn't want to be reminded of how she feels about me, about me, as a mate, about how I feel. That hurts. I feel like I'm condemned for what she feels toward me. I'm not mad at her...at least, I try not to be when I start to feel that way. I'm just so frustrated.

I know what she'd say if I told her all of this, too. She'd tell me she doesn't like causing me this pain, and she'd either try to convince me to stop loving her/being friends with her, etc, or she'd do one of those, or both herself.

She doesn't know it, but I feel like I'm dying. After our phone conversation today I just...I was in a fog. Everything was a blur. I cried in my wildlife and rec lab, in my room, then at dinner. I couldn't stop shivering.

I wouldn't have such a hard time with this if... if she was willing to live with the fact that we're in love. It's hard enough that we're apart, but pretending I don't love her and am just interested in her as a friend is near impossible. Why do we have to pretend we aren't in love? Why do we have to keep ourselves apart? Why is my loving her so bad? Why doesn't she want it bad enough? Why isn't she willing to make room for us in her life? Why doesn't she include me? Why won't she let me include her? Why??

I'm so torn between feelings now... I want to get rid of these feelings and try my best to be her friend...but then I don't wanna let go of the love. It's a miracle to me, still, that our love for eachother remains after all this time. I want to do what'll make her happy...but it hurts so bad. I want to run away...but I don't want to abandon her, or leave her side... not this time. I promised her, and I want to keep that promise. I have so much love for her, and I'm bound by my duty as her friend, and by my own word, to hold it in, to keep it a secret, to pretend I don't feel the way I really do.

I just don't know what to do. I don't know what to say, how to feel, how to think, what to expect. All I know is that I just don't want to be conscious anymore.

Despite all this, I still love her...I don't want her to leave.




Why...