Esteem

My self esteem has officially crashed.

It's a combination of being technically homeless, having no real friends nearby, the love situation with Star, and the fact that my family has pretty much disowned me. It's all hitting me at once, and hard.

I can deal with it. These things happen..it's life, right? Bad stuff happens. Regardless of the control we have over ourselves, we have little control over others...and this is where problems come from. I can deal with all of this.

The part I cannot is the fact that I have virtually no moral support. So far, a single friend has talked to me about all of this in a meaningful and supportive way. Other than that, nothing.

Things with Star are still strange. I love her and I now openly show it. I tell her I love her, I send her kisses, hugs, and all manner of affection and attention. She doesn't reciprocate... it doesn't bother me like it used to, because I understand it a tiny bit. All I know is that it isn't personal and that she does (apparently) love me too. That itself is enough to make it easier to deal with n0 reply to my heartfelt expressions.

Star loves me. She has said so, so many times. She loves me, and she cares about me because she loves me.

I'm trying my best to steel myself against the fact that she probably will not open up to me and be lovey to me any time soon. It may never happen. But, if I really loved her, this would not affect it. My love is independent of how she communicates with me and how she feels toward me. I love her, regardless if she reciprocates. That's one of the major virtues of true love; no expectation of return.

Still, though...I won't lie. My biggest dream is to be with her...to be an accepted and welcomed mate and lover. To be her boyfriend, her husband. To be her man. It would be nice if we could make some forward progress to this...I'm...fairly sure she wants this. At least, that is what our last conversations have indicated. I dunno. It would be nice not to feel like a trespasser or unwelcomed when I kiss her, or tell her I love her.

Eh, lookit this...this blog is all about my relations with Star. What can I say... she's a part of my life that is important to me, and a part that I focus on a lot...any spare time I have that isn't spent working, or recovering from working, is spent on my communication with her.

She prolly hates that. But, I'm a devoted friend and (wannabe) mate.

I wonder... something I read recently told me she doesn't like being loved. What if she doesn't like my loving her? Is that why she has trouble opening up to me? Because she doesn't want me to love her?

I wish I knew. I wish I knew for 100% certainty whether or not my love was a welcomed thing. Assumptions and deductions are ok...but I'd rather go on fact...her telling me yes or no. Is my love (and expression thereof) welcome, Star?? *sigh* I may never know... I guess all that I can do is just...express myself and be true to how I feel. If she doesn't like it, she'll tell me...

Bed..