I just got a very handy chunk of advice from an old friend. It was completely unexpected, and, oddly enough, she basically re-voiced an ideal I had gained and held during winter break. I had forgotten it since, but now that I've been reminded, I've realized something.

Love is not about clinging to someone. The emphasis is not about staying by their side through the drama, or about suffering for them. The emphasis is doing all this while remembering you love them. It's about loving them unconditionally and without expectation.

I lost touch with myself and with that newfound idea. And, as a result, I clung to Sarah mercilessly and expected so much, and, because of that, got my heart broken not once, but twice, and because of this same reason.

This talk with Kari put me on track. I'm seeing more clearly than I have been for the past month or so.

I love Sarah- that has never changed. But I've done a poor job of expressing it.

Now, back to being the real me...

"...and she wants none of it. She wants the least of what I can give. I'm happy to be her friend. But to pretend I don't love her with all my heart? To hide it, to swallow it, to keep it inside for an undisclosed amount of time, amongst a sea of uncertainty, amongst a barren landscape with a lack of promises, until a time that may never come? I'm being pushed to my limits in terms of trust. "Faith" is not something I do. I cannot trust someone without a very good reason to do so. Loving someone is a good reason to do many things, but it is not a good reason to blindly place one's faith into another. It seems my love for her does have it's limits.

Limits, of course, is what makes it so real, and so authentic. If I said I'd kill for her, it isn't love. It's infatuation."

Love is pushing your own limits for another, while, at the same time, respecting them.

It seems I've got to make a decision...

Hekate, Goddess of the Crossroads... guide me.

I've never felt so unwanted by someone who loves me.

I thought I had a chance to see her at least once. To be honest, a part of me has always doubted we'd ever meet. I'm not entirely sure why, but it's probably because of the fact that any relationship we've ever had was always unhealthy. They never lasted. We'd be friends for a short while, and something would happen. We'd date on again and off again. I guess the idea of a visit to her while she's in another state seemed too much like something stable or permanent...and we're no good at either of those things, apparently...

I was gonna buy a round-trip ticket and go see her this summer...the timing would have been perfect. Summertime... after a long, hard year at this place, with no real responsibilities to speak of. Just fly off down south to see the woman I love.

Well... she's a real career woman. She's gonna go into a (competitive) internship with JPMorgan Chase, in Delaware. She won't be there this summer...

I'm proud of her. She's such a strong woman, and she's so damned brave. I've always envied, yet admired that part of her. Now, here she is, competing (no competition, really) for an internship with a huge finances firm, out-of-state. I'm happy for her.

I did my best to hide the fact that this news made some mixed feelings in me. I was crushed. My hopes of seeing her, at least once in this life time, were just taken away. I can't really say what's worse, either- the fact that they're taken away by something so good (thus removing my ability to object, at least openly), the fact that I didn't know about something so huge in her life until just today, or the fact that, geographically speaking, she'll be about twice as close to me as she would be in in her home state, and I STILL cannot see her.

I'm really doing my best to appear a strong person to her, to act like none of this is gutting me, while at the same time remaining honest about how I feel. I love her. I wanna be with her, and stay with her. I wanna be her friend, and I wanna be her mate. I have no problem with the former...but it's complicated by the latter. It is SO HARD to stand by someone, to let them have your heart, when you're not even sure they want it. She says she loves me, and she said the other day she plans on being with me "at some point", and that's usually good enough for me. But not when I'm told my expressing my love to her is a bother. When I'm told she'd prefer it if I didn't. I can understand; she doesn't want to be reminded of what she can't comfortably have at this point. But that's the thing. She doesn't want to be reminded of how she feels about me, about me, as a mate, about how I feel. That hurts. I feel like I'm condemned for what she feels toward me. I'm not mad at her...at least, I try not to be when I start to feel that way. I'm just so frustrated.

I know what she'd say if I told her all of this, too. She'd tell me she doesn't like causing me this pain, and she'd either try to convince me to stop loving her/being friends with her, etc, or she'd do one of those, or both herself.

She doesn't know it, but I feel like I'm dying. After our phone conversation today I just...I was in a fog. Everything was a blur. I cried in my wildlife and rec lab, in my room, then at dinner. I couldn't stop shivering.

I wouldn't have such a hard time with this if... if she was willing to live with the fact that we're in love. It's hard enough that we're apart, but pretending I don't love her and am just interested in her as a friend is near impossible. Why do we have to pretend we aren't in love? Why do we have to keep ourselves apart? Why is my loving her so bad? Why doesn't she want it bad enough? Why isn't she willing to make room for us in her life? Why doesn't she include me? Why won't she let me include her? Why??

I'm so torn between feelings now... I want to get rid of these feelings and try my best to be her friend...but then I don't wanna let go of the love. It's a miracle to me, still, that our love for eachother remains after all this time. I want to do what'll make her happy...but it hurts so bad. I want to run away...but I don't want to abandon her, or leave her side... not this time. I promised her, and I want to keep that promise. I have so much love for her, and I'm bound by my duty as her friend, and by my own word, to hold it in, to keep it a secret, to pretend I don't feel the way I really do.

I just don't know what to do. I don't know what to say, how to feel, how to think, what to expect. All I know is that I just don't want to be conscious anymore.

Despite all this, I still love her...I don't want her to leave.




Why...

The Darker Side of Love

So the past few days have been interesting.

The forest tech. students traveled to Syracuse, NY for the annual New York Society of American Foresters meeting. It was held at a pretty nice hotel, and hundreds of people were there. We left early thursday morning, arrived and attended several meetings about different things in the forestry world, then we spent the night. The next day was more of the same until noon, when we departed the hotel and visted a local surveying firm in the small town of Teresa.

The whole experience was interesting. I got to rub shoulders with various professionals in my chosen field, and sit in on discussions about various issues in said field. I also got to stay at a fancy hotel and eat fancy food.

I learned a lot about forestry in a professional sense, and I learned a lot about myself as well.

I know that I do not want to get too deeply involved with the politics of forestry. It has it's importance; a lot of the general public have misconceptions about what forestry is all about, so the PR aspect of the political scene is important. But it isn't for me. I'm the one out in the woods, working with the trees and the plants, the soil and the water.

Right now I feel like I'm in a bit of a slump. A funk.

I miss StarEnchantress terribly.

Her and I had a "moment" while I was at the hotel. We talked on the phone for a while, and it felt so good. It was nourishing, to talk to the woman who is both my friend and my love. We reconnected, and I feel like we were both reassured.

Now I miss her like crazy. I've been wandering around with my head in a fog all day, crying off and on. My entire body aches to be with her, as does my mind and heart. I can't focus; all I can think about is her.

At least now I understand completely why she doesn't want to date. Because if we were together, our separation would be completely unbearable. I think this is bad? Imagine actually being her boyfriend but not hearing from her often. Gods this fucking hurts. It is the most maddening thing.

I can also understand why she'd want to ignore the love. I've thought about it myself..it would be so relieving to not have to carry the burden of knowing your love is out there somewhere, but nowhere near you. But...I don't want to. This whole thing will either kill me (seems likely, but it isn't, I'm sure), or by the time her and I are together, I'll be the best mate/lover/friend she's ever had, ever. With all of this love, how can I not be?

The help of a Dark Goddess would be so welcome right about now. I need to cope with this, damnit, and I need to transform it into something helpful, supportive and nourishing.

I wonder sometimes if she ever wants to stop talking. If she feels the same way I do (I know she loves me...she told me so!), how can she ignore it when we talk? Can she? I'm afraid she'll just get sick of our limited communication and just leave...

I love you, wherever you are...

Another day

I'm still feeling a bit down about the StarEnchantress situation. I gotta say, it doesn't feel too good. I'm really confused about what she wants from/with me. I believe her when she tells me that she loves me, and wants to be with me...but I have a hard time understanding why she has to make things more complicated by denying herself how she feels about me. It would be so much easier for us to both just accept the fact that we love eachother. I mean, what's so wrong with it? It's love. It's a great thing. Plus, it's a revived love. To me, it's a bit of a small miracle that her and I are in love again. I see it all as a good thing... but, apparently she doesn't. She just keeps running away from me. It really sucks when I'm here for someone, and I have so much feeling for them and so much to offer them...but all they do is run away. It makes me feel like a monster sometimes. And...every now and then Sarah will let slip something...she'll say something about how I used to be, and say it like I'm still that way. Sometimes she talks to me like the person I used to be when we dated before. Why? I know I've changed. I wish she'd see it...maybe have some trust or faith in my ability to change for the better. I dunno. I don't even know what to do about it anymore. She just keeps running away from me, regardless of what I say or do. She doesn't seem to know how to act toward me, either. A friend of mine named Heather, and I, talked earlier and just theorized about why she does what she does. We sort of concluded that I'll just never know unless Sarah wants me to. So...she said just live my life, not to let it get me too down for too long. And I think that's what I gotta do. I don't have much time for a lingering sadness, or a mourning for a 'love that never was'. I've got an education to focus on, I've got schoolwork to do, and I've got my own life to live. If Sarah doesn't want to be with me, to be a big part of my life, then there's no sense in my clearing out space for her in my life and schedule that she isn't gonna use. Also, I have to remember that (as far as I know) her and I are friends. That's how this all started. We have a great (if not dry/inactive) friendship...and that's enough for me, if that's what I'm given. She can do what makes her happy. That's her right. And that's what I want for her.

I haven't been doing my reading for the classes like I should have been doing. I've fallen behind, and I've got a pathology quiz tomorrow and I don't feel I know the material as well as I need to. I've decided to just do what I can on this quiz, and then do the reading assignments as close to the day that I get them as I can. No more slacking off or waiting for the weekend!

I'm tired. Hopefully I'll be able to sleep well tonight.

As fickle as the skies

She's confusing. One second she's so loving and open to telling me how she feels and expressing herself. The next she's so cold and pushes me away. One day we're talking like we're best friends, then the next we have no contact whatsoever.

"One day at a time", she says, but then completely ignores that in favor of trying to predict the future and saying "we won't be happy". If we're taking it one day at a time, why would she bother to try and guess that? If she loved me so much, why doesn't she just be with me, instead of focusing so much on what she might feel in the future?

She acts like I'm crazy when I have to ask her, and reaffirm certain things she says. Well, I'm not crazy. Like I said, she'll actually act like she loves me one day, but then the next she'll be angry/annoyed/short or something else toward me. She'll take something out on me, and, in my experience, when someone acts like they hate you its because they do. My point is, her actions rarely match her words. She says she's full of love for me, and wants to be with me. She makes it sound like her heart is a deep reservoir of abundant emotion for me. But she doesn't act that way, at all. Our friendship is arid. Dry.

All of this is brought on by the fact that, a few days ago, we had a conversation about our feelings for eachother. She kissed me.

Then today she told me not to be so lovey.

???

*sigh* I love her. She isn't a bad person, and I don't want to believe she does this on purpose. She's not, as far as I know, that kind of person. Sometimes I think it'd be nice if I was like her previous mate, where he apparently just sort of...saw through all of this, and stayed there for her. Apparently, he never complained. At least not to her.

I'm not like that. When someone hurts me, they hear about it. If they do it repeatedly, and they don't seem to care, or they blame it on me, I leave. And, it doesn't matter if I stood by her side despite all this. She wouldn't notice me or be with me anyway. I don't know if I should stick around. I don't even know if I'm wanted. If I asked her if I should leave, she'd just shrug and tell me to do what I felt was best. She would show no concern or opinion whatsoever.

As I've said to myself repeatedly... if she really loved me, she'd at least try and be with me. If she loved me, she'd honor those feelings and at least express them. But she doesn't trust me enough to express it, or perhaps doesn't trust herself to feel that way.

In any case... love, apparently, is not enough. I don't know what to do... I'm so torn. I don't want to stop feeling this way... I can't...it's too strong. I love her. It's true, honest, healthy love. I just don't know what she wants. If she could just...tell me...and stick to it...at least then I'd know what I have to do to make her happy.

Learning about Love from Nature

I've reached a bit of an epiphany.

Nature teaches me a lot of things. I observe, I meditate, and I understand.

One of Her lessons has taught me that nothing in the natural world spends more energy on something than it needs to. Energy conservation is top priority for all living things, (keep for the occasional stubborn human being).

I've applied this lesson to things with Ms. Star Enchantress.

During the break we talked every day, keep for one day near the end of the vacation. We were close.

Things have changed. The Fates have weaved our choices into the lives we live now, and, as it so happens, she doesn't have a lot of time for me. There isn't a lot of room in her life, and she doesn't have the desire and thus the ability to make that room.

So, we don't talk much.

When I first arrived back on campus a week and a half ago, I was struggling to stay in touch with her. I spent a lot of time and energy on the phone, trying to call her, sending her text messages, and generally putting a lot of effort (expending a lot of energy) into trying to establish a solid, reliable line of communication between us. I was under the impression we both wanted to stay in touch...to talk, and perhaps swim against the tides of life that would otherwise pull us apart.

While I was on the right track about the desire to maintain our friendship, I feel I was utterly wrong about us both wanting to "swim against". Sarah simply goes with the flow. Her time is not her own, and she gives away what little she has left to other interests.

So...there I was, working hard to stay in touch with someone who simply cannot. For whatever reason, she is unable or unwilling to work things out, to set aside time. So I've been wasting my time trying to force (despite my intentions) it to happen.

I'm only going to give out the time and energy she actually uses. I'm not going to send out the text messages in the morning/noon/night, because she doesn't respond. I'm not going to send the emails. Dial the calls. I'm just going to let things be. I'm going to contact her when I really think she can talk. I'm going to put in to match what she puts in. Give her the time and attention she wants, and uses. Nothing more, nothing less. That way, things are balanced.

That isn't to say I'm not here for her like I said I would be. It just means I'm not as present or as "around" when I obviously don't need to be; when things aren't focused on her and I.


I love her. I want us to talk a lot. I want it to be like it was during break- I feel that that's the "true" form of our friendship. But I cannot spare a lot of energy, given where I am and what I'm doing. Perhaps if her and I were able to keep in touch better, I would. If our relationship required more of my time, I would gladly offer it. But it does not. So I'm giving what it requires.

Love is Strange

Okay... So, I mentioned my friend, the one I feel close to and who is very important to me, in a previous post.

Well, I sort of...fell in love with her. Again.

Her and I are exes. Her and I were engaged at one point, and, obviously, it didn't work out.

When we got back in touch, we really re-established our friendship. We got close again, and romantical feelings sort of re-emerged in the background. But recently some things have developed in that region of our relationship and I can't say they're absolutely pleasing...

We talked a bit about dating again...and it was decided that, ultimately, she's too busy for a relationship. She needs time for her mate. That, and she needs someone who can be around her all of the time. Her needs wouldn't be satisfied because of the general state of things at the moment...

I'm feeling a bit sad because I can't be with her. I never got entirely over her to begin with, and during the break I got my hopes up again...so the disappointment is even more poignant. Despite what happens I can't help but feel that we'd make a great couple...

I feel like she still thinks of me the way that I used to be... when we were together years ago I was a very controlling and self-centered person. I cared more about my own needs than hers and I just didn't care about the state of our relationship for the right reasons. I really loved her, don't get me wrong-- I was just so tied up in my own problems that I was unable to show it, and to treat her like the love of my life that she was. I suspect she still thinks I'd be this way... I know I've changed...but I guess it isn't enough for her to see it...

I really wish I was able to fulfill her needs. It sort of hurts my pride that I can't be all that she needs in a partner... but there's more involved here than what I am and what I'm not... I know she loves me, and that, if everything was perfect, she'd probably be with me...

I really hope that she finds what she needs in life and in a mate. Whether or not I'm that mate is of little consequence in the grand scheme of things. What's important is that she is happy, and that she finds the one she needs and at the right time in her life.

I love her, and I want to help her as best I can. What this requires of me is that I be the friend she needs and wants me to be. I'm not friends with her just to fulfill my own needs...I'm her friend because I love her and I want her to be happy...so I'd better start doing what she needs me to do.

I'd take her happiness over my own desires any day.

In the cold and the dark

There has been a huge cold snap here for the last few days. It was down to -15 degrees Fahrenheit this morning, and in the afternoon it reached a high of 5.

We've been working outside in this cold, and it's reminded me of why I love the cold so much. It's soothing. It calms me, it makes me breathe deeper and easier, and it makes me more aware of my physical being. Yesterday it got really, really cold during the afternoon (-4) and while I was outside, I could feel my mind slowing down. I couldn't feel the parts of my body that were exposed, and the rest of my body was neither hot nor cold. I felt calm, and peaceful.

Freezing to death is also a very peaceful way to die. In the best case, you merely fall asleep. You stop shivering, you get tired...you lay down, and you pass into the next world. Unless, of course, you get frost bite and try to warm up. Then the cold bites you. Ice crystals form in your blood while you're freezing, they expand in your blood vessels and actually rupture them. You don't feel it unless you warm up again.

I love the cold. I feel most comfortable in it. The air is clean (nothing can live in it- no mold/fungi, no bacteria, etc). It's as close to pure as it ever can get during the year. The snow is soft and soothing. I also love how short the days are. Dark and cold- my domain.

After being out in freezing temperatures for the past few days, I've realized an interesting effect it has on me. Besides slowing my bodily processes, it seems to help me think more clearly. Very strange, but definitely good to know.

Speaking of thinking clearly...

I mentioned a friend of mine in my last entry. Well, I've had a lot of time apart from her and I've been thinking about her and things involving her lately.

She used to have my heart. We were together, and quite close. It ended a while ago, and slowly I took my heart back (in bits). But, over the break, she took it back from me. Well...she took it back and I sort of just handed it over... I was hesitant at first, but I realized I really loved her. I trusted her with it, again.

And now I'm thinking maybe that was a mistake.

See...she's a career woman. She's working quite hard in school, and she's also got a full time part time job. She's a busy woman, and I commend her for it. Thing is, her career's got her heart. She can't give it to me. And, I'm thinking that even if she could, she wouldn't.

Long story short, I thought she was in love with me... and it doesn't matter if I was right or wrong...because she isn't. And, of course, I'm feeling the usual "I love them but they don't love me" thing.

I'm beginning to think that this sort of situation speaks to me about my poor choice of trust and judgment. I trust the right people at the wrong time. I don't look hard enough at the situation. I'm not disciplined enough, I don't control my emotions, and I end up getting hurt because of it.

I have a hard time with this. I seem to live in extremes with trust. I either trust no one, or trust someone entirely. This is bad.

I need to work on this.