2 Weeks

So my time here at the Ranger School is almost over. The semester is winding down. There is 1 full week of classes left, followed by a 4 days; some half-days, some full.

I feel like I've accomplished something. Once I graduate I can call myself a professional Forest Technician. I could even call myself a Professional Forester here in New York state if I wanted to, as no certification isn't required. I won't do that, though.

I've gotten myself established in Syracuse. I've got a house to rent, I've got a job, and I've been accepted into the university I'll be attending. I'm all set.

I'll be staying with Leah for the summer. I'm not sure how I feel about this anymore.

She was a lot of fun during the 2 weekends I visited her. We spent a lot of time together, and we really got along. She made me feel loved and everything, what with the affection and attention and all that.

Things have changed a lot since the last time I was at her house. We've gotten into several fights, we just seem to piss each other off more than anything. I've had my emotionally-unstable moments, and I feel like it's had an impact on her in a big way. She doesn't seem like such a brilliantly loving and caring person to me anymore.

When I met her, I felt for sure that the Fates had guided me in her direction. She lead me into a world of Pagan community, of people who are good friends and care for each other. She helped me find a job and gave me a place to stay for the summer while I was waiting for my own lease to commence. I felt as if her purpose in my life was to guide me onto the path in the next chapter of my life. A Goddess-send, perhaps. I was learning a lot from her, like how to just love someone, a new friend. How to open up to someone and trust them, when you don't know them that well. How to be open to new things, and how to be unashamed of who you are.

Well, the lessons I'm learning now are a bit more difficult and less pleasant.

I've developed strong feelings for her over the time I've known her. She's gotten to feel like a sister to me. But, this too has changed a lot, given the tension between us. I feel like I need to learn how to keep my heart off of my sleeve. How to love someone without worrying about how they feel for you. How to decide to trust someone, and how much. Whether or not love and trust really go hand-in-hand.

There were a few times where I simply needed someone to talk to because I was having just one of those days, and feeling significantly.. down. I went to her, as I had learned I could.. and she would leave, to talk to one of her boyfriends, to go to a party, etc. She would just leave me to deal with some difficult emotions on my own, after telling me she'd be there for me, without so much as a "bye, ttyl". While I realize she has a life, I don't feel it's appropriate to tell someone you're there for them when they need you, just to walk off when they actually come to you. I'm aware you can't be there for someone 100 percent of the time, either. But this has happened 3 times. It's almost like she does it on purpose. This has tested my trust in her. I don't feel like I can go to her and discuss things anymore.

I miss how things were, when they were light-hearted and soothing. But, I've learned too that things change, regardless. It wouldn't have lasted forever, even if things had gone in the opposite direction than they have now.

So... moving in with her will be interesting. I am hoping that everything goes back to the way it was, where we just hung out and got along, where things were growing and we were close. I can't help but feel that maybe I'm being nieve, but we'll see.

The Goddess has certainly set up an interesting landscape of emotional calamity and confusion here in this world. When do I get to see the good side of things?

Syracuse weekend #2

I find myself in Syracuse again.

I got here through a combination of persistance, resourcefulness, and disregard for my schoolwork. Wierd combo, but it worked.

I got the idea in my head from my hostess (mentioned in an earlier post... maybe I will give her a name. Let's call her Leah.... That works). She was discussing a job with me, and told me that the best way to deal with the folks at a place I'm looking to work is in person. I think she first mentioned this yesterday. So since then I've been thinking about how to get here in the back of my head. I asked a few people but it seemed no one was going down this way. The more I thought about my desire and need to get to Syracuse and to work and pay rent, and the more I thought about Leah, the more determined I became. I asked almost everyone on campus until a colleague of mine, Kowasc, offered me a ride. There was, of course, a catch- he would drop me off at the intersection of 90 and 81. This is essentially in the middle of a desert of asphalt and steel. It's cornered between a highway and a throughway. So, another colleague of mine, Blake, decided to help me try and find a way to take a bus from my drop-off point to my destination. After looking for about 10-15 minutes I was about to give up. The odds seemed against me. Lots of work to do, all due monday, a test on monday, no money, no reliable ride to my destination, reliance on a bus system in a city largely alien to me. But, just as I was about to throw my hands up, yet another colleague of mine came in and, sympathizing with my fear of the Syracuse public transportation system, offered me a ride to my destination, as she was heading down there anyway.

So, here I am.

This makes me wonder a little bit about the dynamics of the Universe I live in. All that I have learned from outside sources have told me that the Universe responds to our thoughts and that intention and energy create needed change. Why is it, then, that I had intention and need, and, while working and focusing two full days toward my goal, there was such resistance and it almost didn't happen?

It seems to work that way sometimes. Some things seem to come to me when I need them and intend them to. In fact, that seems to happen 70% of the time (arbitrary percentage, but its based on my experience). Then, another 25% of the time, things seem to take their time working out the way I'd like, but then, via an unexpected route, they manifest. Then, the last 5%, things seem to go so very wrong and simply do not manifest at all.

I'm not sure what causes these indescrepincies. It's very strange.

So, now that I'm here, I feel awkward.

Leah welcomed me as if she's seen me 100 times, which was nice. We sat and watched tv, with the occasional sarcastic remark. I asked her what her plans were for the evening, and she told me about some get together a friend of hers was having. I decided almost immediately I didn't want to go. So, she called her mate...he came over a few minutes later. We sat around some more, watching TV. She was doing mate-ish things with her mate (as to be expected), and I did my best not to be rude and look at it. She kept asking what we wanted to do, refering to her mate and I. I shrugged. Eventually she decided to go to bed. Her mate followed.

So here I sit, alone, in the quiet, typing away. I feel awkward. Like a third wheel.

I wonder- how come my company has never really seemed to be enough for her? Am I really that boring? Granted, last weekend we spent a lot of time alone together. But, still, I feel like she's bored around me or something. I can hear them in there, talking... so much for bed, I guess.

Blah. Being roommates ought to be really fun.

Now that I'm here, I've got a job hunt to do. Might as well try and enjoy my weekend in the meantime.

First Contact

A few weeks ago, an interesting set of events were set forth. Sparked by my urge to find others like me, to network and socialize, I searched...

I met a wonderful Pagan woman via Witchvox. After speaking to her initially I found out that she's the leader of a group of Pagans in the city. This surprised me. We spoke a lot over the internet, and then late last week she decided that I could go down there to visit her. I went to the area to sign some paperwork, and I spent the weekend at her house. She had planned a Pagan movie night that friday, and I arrived about 45 minutes before it officially started...

I didn't meet a lot of new people, only a small handful. But the folks I did meet gave me an awful lot of hope for the future.

They were all very nice and intelligent. I didn't talk a lot to them, though. This is my nature; when I'm in a new situation I sit quietly, observe, and eventually adapt to the ways of the people I'm around (unless, of course, I find their ways disagreeable...).

I just listened to their talk, watching, for the first time, real, live Pagans interacting with eachother; I payed closed attention to their topics, their terminology. I inadvertently melted into my surroundings and became like a fly on the wall, just watching my fellow pagans as if I weren't there.

The first night wore on, and I spent a majority of it inside my head, digesting the fact that, there I was, in a strange and new city, amongst new people who were both alien and yet so familiar... in a situation I had never been to before, and one that I hadn't thought too hard about putting myself into. I went to bed that night, my head full of wonder; hope, fear, comfort, curiosity...

I awoke the next day to a warm shower and a hot cup of tea from my hostess. Despite that I hadn't slept much the night before, I still felt full of energy. I wanted to explore the city. I wanted to get to know more about my hostess and friend. I wanted to learn, and experience.

The first hour or so was a little awkward. I didn't know her, yet I did; and I felt that she didn't know me, and was, perhaps, as curious about me as I was about her. I felt almost as if I was being watched carefully. I felt like I was living with a new tribe of indigenous people; like I was some lost and bewildered explorer amongst the loveliest and most intriguing of the natives of the land.

We struck out on our first adventure; a walk around the city. As we explored a local park, my hostess and I got a rapport going. We talked, opened up a little, and, through our words, felt the other out, getting to see what kind of person they were, as opposed to the personalities they were, made up of the typing habits, font colors and grammar of their Internet presence.

The more we walked the more comfortable I felt. By the middle of the first day, I let my inhibitions fade away.

The night was interesting. Two new people came over. They were extremely outspoken and friendly; their actions and words toward my hostess indicated lots of time, lots of familiarity and, in some cases, love. I tried my best not to feel awkward while I watched all of them hug and talk as if they hadn't seen each other in years. I faded away into the background again.

They suggested food from a local Spanish/Mexican cuisine place. I walked with the, remaining quiet; one of them would ask me questions every now and then, and I would answer as completely as my anxiousness would let me.

I listened to them talk; I keyed my ears to the language they used, to their habits and mannerisms; I observed. I made some talk with them, about my path, my education, and theirs; this was a big step for me.

After food, they all shared hookah and we watched a movie. I thought of trying the hookah. I was worried I'd choke or that the trace amount of nicotine would have a strange effect on me. I passed on it time and time again as it was offered to me. I couldn't help but feel as if I was missing out on a new experience and, perhaps, some form of bonding.

The movie ended and one of them left. One remained and talked to my hostess about some deep things. I felt awkward for hearing this, and I wondered whether I should leave the room. My foxish nature took over and I subconsciously decided to fade into my surroundings again, and I watched and learned. My hostess was amazing. She used her new cards as if they were an extension of her higher self; I felt almost as if a Goddess were speaking through her. I was in awe at her ability, and at the tenderness in which she delivered her insights. She felt like a priestess to me. Her wisdom pouring out even effected me on an emotional and psychological way. I looked inside myself, and I could see more clearly than I had for months. I saw so many loose ends in my life, questions without answers.

For that moment in time, I could feel my Goddess was in that room, within her.

After this was over, the one new person left and my hostess retired for the night. I felt disheartened. I was going to ask her if she'd read her cards for me; I was yearning for such focus and insight into my own being. I felt she must have been exhausted, so I decided against it.

The next day we spent almost the entire day together. We talked about a lot of different things, some casual, some, I felt, ware quite deep. I learned that we have a lot in common in certain areas of our lives (the areas that are the most emotionally-rich to me, too). It felt good to have a serious but lighthearted conversation with someone I felt was intelligent and emotionally mature and capable. She taught me a lot about myself, about the Pagan community into which I was entering, about how to interface with people...about how to find my family.

I felt so comfortable around her. I was happy. I was smiling, and she made me feel... safe. Human. Pagan.

I left there in the afternoon, heading back to the RS. My heart was light and full of love, hope, and happiness. I felt complete. I felt as if I had found something I had been searching my entire life for. I felt like I had found home.

My first contact with my people was a nice one. It wasn't too much for me, but just barely so. I sewed the seeds of my future, of my networking, of some friendships. I nurtured a newly-sprouted friendship with an amazing Pagan woman. I felt good, and I felt, for the first time in a long time, like I belonged.

Life again

Things are certainly interesting this week.

The Forestry students have been outside from 8:15 am to 4:30 pm cruising timber. We're in a compartment of the Dubuar forest that happens to be completely out of walking distance from the actual campus. The weather has been cold (it is winter, after all), but yesterday it was about 7 degrees F. We're on our feet moving around the forest all day, with a small lunch break thrown in somewhere. The whole point of the class (Forest Inventory Practicum, it's called) is to get experience on how to inventory a species. It isn't rocket science, but a lot of it is a science as well as an art. It's surprisingly physically demanding, because you're on your feet for about 8 hours, and then right afterward you have to switch to "mental mode" and do a whole lot of calculations. This isn't rocket science either, but when you're exhausted from wandering around the woods all day in snow shoes in 3+ feet of snow on unevend ground in the brutal temperatures and howling wind carrying a lot of equipment....it can be a challenge.

Star is being...Star. She sent me an email last night telling me, basically, she doesn't want me to love her, she loves me but wants to follow her head instead of her heart and that, while she doesn't know entirely what to do, she's pretty much deciding to leave love on the backburner until further notice (and she doesn't know when this notice will be coming). This leaves me in an awkward position, as she has my heart but I don't have hers, and I'm left feeling drained, disappointed, and heartbreakingly unsurprised. I had a feeling things would go in this direction after break. I was hoping they wouldn't. I was hoping our love would actually blossom this time, instead of being trampled as a seedling by fears, doubts, and completely unecessary complication. But, once again, any hope of love with this marvelous woman is torn away from me by her own free will. I was upset at first...I was angry. But then I realized, why bother? What is the point of getting and staying upset over this? There is nothing I can do about it. She doesn't want what I'm offering her, and she doesn't want to devote herself to anyone including me, and there is absolutely nothing I can do. So I'm not going to get upset. I do feel angry, I feel slightly used and lead-on as well. But I'm going to feel these things and let them go. I love her, and I don't plan on consciously changing this.

As things in Nature perish, they are broken down. They eventually cease to exist, and their energy and being becomes a part of another living thing. So too might my love for Star. It will go unexpressed, and hidden. Like a flower in perpetual darkness, it may whither and dry and turn to dust, given time and given the right conditions. May it go peacefully, with no pain or anguish to either of us... if it does go.

So, when the heck is the last time I actually posted about anything Pagan in this blog? Sure, the rants and ravings of a Pagan are pretty...well, er, Pagan...but when did I actually discuss the topic? That was the whole point of this blog until my heart was hijacked by the most wonderful woman in the world.

I'll get back on track. But my body and heart and mind need some time to rest. I need my weekend.

Oh, one more thing- something realy interesting happened.

This timber cruise project is a really intense and demanding thing, and from what I understand, it always has been. According to Mr. Savage, the professor of the course, a couple of people who worked together on the timber cruise in years past have actually gotten married afterward. I guess it's a sort of bonding experience, and it shows. My partner, let's call her Marie, and I actually became friends after working together steadily for days at a time. We had an awkward and stressful start when we first actually started talking last semester. Before Star came about again, I was single and independent(ish) and I started to develop a thing for Marie. Well, word got around (because some people, as it was proven to me later, cannot be trusted with certain information) and she found out about it. So high school, isn't it? Well, instead of letting the rumors and crap fly around, I went to her and told her how I felt. And I asked her how she felt. She told me she didn't want to answer right then and we just stopped talking after that.

Well, being assigned partners gave us a chance to get to know eachother even better, and I feel better because of it. One less stress in my life, with a new friendship. Not a bad deal, I guess.

Esteem

My self esteem has officially crashed.

It's a combination of being technically homeless, having no real friends nearby, the love situation with Star, and the fact that my family has pretty much disowned me. It's all hitting me at once, and hard.

I can deal with it. These things happen..it's life, right? Bad stuff happens. Regardless of the control we have over ourselves, we have little control over others...and this is where problems come from. I can deal with all of this.

The part I cannot is the fact that I have virtually no moral support. So far, a single friend has talked to me about all of this in a meaningful and supportive way. Other than that, nothing.

Things with Star are still strange. I love her and I now openly show it. I tell her I love her, I send her kisses, hugs, and all manner of affection and attention. She doesn't reciprocate... it doesn't bother me like it used to, because I understand it a tiny bit. All I know is that it isn't personal and that she does (apparently) love me too. That itself is enough to make it easier to deal with n0 reply to my heartfelt expressions.

Star loves me. She has said so, so many times. She loves me, and she cares about me because she loves me.

I'm trying my best to steel myself against the fact that she probably will not open up to me and be lovey to me any time soon. It may never happen. But, if I really loved her, this would not affect it. My love is independent of how she communicates with me and how she feels toward me. I love her, regardless if she reciprocates. That's one of the major virtues of true love; no expectation of return.

Still, though...I won't lie. My biggest dream is to be with her...to be an accepted and welcomed mate and lover. To be her boyfriend, her husband. To be her man. It would be nice if we could make some forward progress to this...I'm...fairly sure she wants this. At least, that is what our last conversations have indicated. I dunno. It would be nice not to feel like a trespasser or unwelcomed when I kiss her, or tell her I love her.

Eh, lookit this...this blog is all about my relations with Star. What can I say... she's a part of my life that is important to me, and a part that I focus on a lot...any spare time I have that isn't spent working, or recovering from working, is spent on my communication with her.

She prolly hates that. But, I'm a devoted friend and (wannabe) mate.

I wonder... something I read recently told me she doesn't like being loved. What if she doesn't like my loving her? Is that why she has trouble opening up to me? Because she doesn't want me to love her?

I wish I knew. I wish I knew for 100% certainty whether or not my love was a welcomed thing. Assumptions and deductions are ok...but I'd rather go on fact...her telling me yes or no. Is my love (and expression thereof) welcome, Star?? *sigh* I may never know... I guess all that I can do is just...express myself and be true to how I feel. If she doesn't like it, she'll tell me...

Bed..

Love

It's such a strange situation...

I'm content loving her, and knowing that, secretly, deep inside, she loves me too. Perhaps her little seeds of love and desire will blossom someday. Perhaps I can provide those seeds with that they need...nurture them until they grow and flower.

I hope this has a happy ending for us both...

More Life

Things are getting really heavy here, on campus.

Just finished a major project for Timber Harvest, Utilization and Transport class. Had to design/engineer a forest road. Extremely complicated, long, and frustrated. I spent over 40 hours on the project but I'm sad to say it wasn't my best work. Then again, I was going based on the directions of a guy who doesn't teach well and a walkthrough with horrible directions and grammar/spelling mistakes. Very difficult. But, it's done, and I'm glad.

Next week is Forest Inventory Practicum class. All we do all next week is spend the day outside, taking an inventory of a section of the forest. It isn't complicated, really, but the math that follows the data collection can be quite hard. Hopefully my partner has an ok handle on it. 8am to 5 pm outside, in the woods... it will either be horrible or very enjoyable.

Been thinking about Star a lot lately, which is nothing new. But something feels different lately. I feel like her and I are distant, and like things between her and I are cooling down or going dormant. It could be because I've been really focused on my studies lately, and haven't spent as much time trying to contact her. But it's so weird... The burning desire to be with her has changed into a dull ache in my heart. I feel my morale and hope for her and I sort of slipping away, and I don't think about it much anymore, and I think this makes it worse. I'm not sure what to do anymore, or how to feel. I enjoy being her friend, but I there are much richer, deeper and more meaningful emotions that I have for her, and I feel limiting our relations to just friends would be a terrible waste of good, pure love. But at the same time, she's just too busy for me...there's no real room in her life for me and it doesn't look like she's ever going to make any, or that any will come her way. So why love? It feels... hopeless. I guess that's what I'm feeling. Hopelessness. But I'm giving into it, rather than resisting. I feel like I'm freezing to death. It's cold, and uncomfortable, but at the same time so peaceful... I don't have the energy or time to fight it anymore... all I can do is accept things for what they are now, and hope that we'll be together someday. But even holding onto that hope is so hard, and knowing that she doesn't want me to hold on makes it so much harder. I can either hold on, or let go and lose everything. It's a stalemate... I love her, and I enjoy our friendship. But depending upon her or any sustained depth to our relationship is... just not reasonable. I just let things be and hold onto the intent of being her friend, and being her lover. Whether this happens now is all up to her...I'm doing all that I can here.

I'm still fighting that feeling of profound loneliness... my "family" has abandoned me.. what few friends I have don't really know me all that well, and the person that knows me best (the person I call my best friend) is... away. Who am I living for, anymore? I live for me, but... I've no one to share it with. Maybe someday I'll have a companion.... or maybe I'll just get used to and comfortable with having my own company all of the time. It's just hard, when you've got no one to go home to.. or no home to speak of in the first place. When you don't have the comfort of knowing that no matter what happens, you've got at least one person there for you. When you know that no matter how good things get, they'll never be good enough for you to say you have someone.

But then there's something...heroic about facing the world on your own. You become so independent that it's reassuring... you pack your own parachute and don't need anyone for your own basic survival. But I feel like I'm slipping beyond the bounds of my ability to build meaningful, emotional relationships with people... I need a sophisticated relationship with someone...an intelligent one... but I feel like every passing moment I spend in this emotional/mental isolation pulls me away from people that much farther...

Maybe I'm being emo... but I'm not going to apologize. I need to let these feelings out, and this blog is the only outlet I've got for it.

And I can't really say sorry for being sad. I know it drives certain individuals away, and if it does, then maybe they should stay away. I cannot help this- seeing the silver lining doesn't always help, and verbalizing feelings is more therapeutic for me than bottling it up and wearing a fake smile on my face. If it makes you not want to be around me, then go. I'm honest about how I feel- this is how I work. If you're upset by the fact that I am not happy, and it annoys/bothers you or makes you feel like I'm dragging you down, then either offer some support or just leave.

Life

So, things are interesting. As always.

My mother has basically told me she doesn't want me to move back to her in Saugerties...Which means if I don't find somewhere to go between now and graduation, I'll be without a residence.

I've already found a potential job. It's a summer job, and seasonal, but I like it from what I know already. Hired workers do trail work/maintenance, they assist in search and rescue, and talk to any visitors of the forest about the place. They live in one of several cabins situated very deep in the woods. So, this would kill 2 birds with one stone: a nice job doing what I know and love, and a place to live. I've still got to get in touch with the person who's in charge of it- I called and left a message late Friday. Hopefully I'll hear from him in the coming week.

Haven't heard from Star. She's probably very, very busy. Which is not surprising, even for a weekend. I usually don't do well in times like these, when she's out of touch for more than a day... but I think I'll be alright this time. My insecurities (shadow) really influence my behavior, but if I'm mindful of them, then it isn't so bad. Still though... where the hell is she? It's been two full days. I'm worried something bad has happened. That's one of the biggest reasons I don't like being out of touch. I never know what's going on in her life...and given the chaotic nature of things there lately, it makes it that much worse. I guess all I can do is send my energies and pray.

Actually, I'm sorta worried. I sent her a couple of pics via email a while back, and when she got them a few days ago all she said was "=) thank you.". Very short...not much was said. And most of her texts around the same time were very short. Makes me wonder if she's thinking/feeling something towards me...like maybe she's changed her mind about things with me or something. Maybe she's pulling away...

Don't wanna think like that...

I thought of something interesting, and now it's sort of bugging me.

She rarely has much free time... the only time I can think of where she wasn't busy with work/school/niece, she hung spent some time with a friend of hers.

Now, the understanding that I have is that she dislikes being out of touch as much as I do, and that, if given the chance, she'd spend some of the available time chatting with me.

Well, during the time when she hung with her friend...I didn't hear from her, at all. Only afterward.

I have a different way of seeing things than she does. I'm thinking she thinks I'm a major pessimist (which I've heard before), but... if it were me, and I had some free time amongst a super-busy schedule in which I'm either working or at class or taking care of a baby, I'd spend it talking to the person I was in love with and whom I had a harder time getting in touch with. I can't assume she's the same way, because Goddess knows she's not.

But still, wouldn't it seem logical for her to txt/call/IM me if she actually had time to do it? Especially considering she's always telling me how we don't have time for eachother?

I'm not angry, or judgmental or jealous or anything at all like that (I doubt she'd believe that. I get the feeling I take away any faith she has in me...), but it is a really good question. Why didn't she use (some of) the time she had to talk to me?

Anyway...

Next week (16th) is the Timber Cruise. From 8 to 5 pm we'll be out with our respective partners, taking an inventory of one of the sections of the forest. We actually start this in the morning on Friday of this week, then go till the Monday of the week after the following week (there's gotta be a better way to word that)... We'll be outside in the snow and cold, on our feet ALL DAY. I'm kinda looking forward to it, cuz I like to be outside, but then I'm not because its so much work. Meh.

Pathology final tomorrow. Sort of feeling prepared, but then not. I can't find my damned patho binder ANYWHERE. I think someone stole it. It's gone. Not in the library, comp lab, Jason's room, my room. Nowhere. It is clearly a "wtf" moment.

So, I can't study for it. Ok, so if I REALLY wanted to, I could borrow someone else's stuff. Maybe. But, I dunno. I'm not feeling motivated to do it at all. I spent ALL GODDAMNED DAY on CAD, working on my road design. Complicated, tedious, and annoying. But I feel accomplished. On step 101, and apparently a lot of the rest of the design is just forms (paperwork, basically). Cut/fill totals, cost, etc etc etc.

Speaking of roads... got a test in roads class tomorrow. My partner is Nate. Whose nickname is "Cinderblock".

... It'll be fun.

Still thinking of Sarah. I do that a lot.

I'm lonely. Isn'y it just pathetic that I'm in love with a wonderful girl...but still so lonely?

I've got friends. A few, anyway. But somehow I still feel isolated. I feel like I can't connect properly and emotionally to others. Except for a few. I feel like... I'm the only person in the world sometimes... I feel like no one cares about me.

Sometimes, despite how happy I may be at times... I just wouldn't mind moving onto the next life. Sometimes I just want to give up. I've got a lot going for me, yes. But I've got no one to share it all with. Most days are a struggle for me. I have no one to share my thoughts and feelings with. No one to share my views with. (That's the main reason I made this blog) I'll have a really satisfying career...but I'll still be lonely. There's a chance I'll meet someone someday, but... that doesn't make me feel any better, somehow. It's just a chance, and, given my professional field is dominated by men...It just doesn't seem very likely.

Besides. Whoever it'd be...it wouldn't be Sarah.

She'd cringe at that. But...I've been in love with her since we've met. Even through all of that really rough stuff, I always had a spot for her in my heart.

And things just don't change...

I try to be an upbeat person. I feel content with things most of the time, if not happy. And when she's around, I'm happy for sure, unless something is very wrong...unless there's a splinter in my heart. Otherwise, she makes me happy 95% of the time, and I do my best to send it back to her. She hates when I'm feeling/talking sad, which I can understand. No one likes a downer. But...I find it hard not to express myself, especially when i'm not happy. Better to verbalize it than let it fester inside...I can't deal with that. If I don't let the feelings out, they control me.

I dunno. Life is a struggle, and I'm getting stronger because of it. But the strength doesn't help when the struggles get more bitter and more desperate, and that much harder because of it.

I apologize to whoever may be reading this. Especially to those of you who are sensetive to sad things. Especially you Sarah.

It isn't mean to be sad. It's meant to be true. It just happens to be a truth that is sad.

I gotta sleep. Gotta get up n feel rested tomorrow.

I feel that all I ever do for her is make her angry.

I'm not sure what it is, but I think it has to do with how I communicate my thoughts and feelings. I think I word things differently than she does.

I don't think she knows just how much I really do love and feel for her. I think it's because I do a bad job of expressing it. Like I said, all I do is piss her off. When she talks to me, she's usually sad/angry more than anything else.

It's maddening. I've got so much love for her. Yet all I bring into her life is sadness and anger and resentment. And I try not to. Its like I can't even help it half the time. I do something essential, like express how I feel, and somehow I screw it up or turn it into something it isn't, and I get her angry. It happens all the time.

I wish I could be a positive influence in her life. I wish I could help her, or at least be what she wants me to be and do it well, instead of just hurting her constantly. I love her so much but all I do is hurt her.

I fucking loathe myself most of the time. It's shit like this that makes it so. I can't fucking go one day without fucking things with her all up, and ruining any kind of rapport or harmony we make together.

I'm a fucking monster. I can't make this decision for her, but if it were up to me, I'd just not bother with me. I'm a fucking waste of her time and energy. I'm fucking useless. All I do is make her miserable. I hate it. Why kind of existence is this? What the fuck did I ever do to fucking deserve this? The woman I love more than life itself, and I can't even be around her without upsetting her. What the fuck do I need to do to change things? I've been through some transformations that would make a fucking Saint kneel before me, to make a "believer" out of the most pessimistic atheist; yet, no matter what I do, I cannot make the love of my life and best friend happy.

I may deserve this bullshit, but she sure as hell doesn't. I'm tired of having such a bad influence on her and her life. Fuck me, fuck my emotional baggage, and fuck this whole situation. I'm tired of it. Nothing I ever do is enough, so what the fuck is the point? I may be a great guy and all that horseshit, but it doesn't matter. She'll NEVER BE FUCKING HAPPY with me around.

This post would probably just fucking get her mad. Or make her upset.

I just don't know what to do anymore...

I just got a very handy chunk of advice from an old friend. It was completely unexpected, and, oddly enough, she basically re-voiced an ideal I had gained and held during winter break. I had forgotten it since, but now that I've been reminded, I've realized something.

Love is not about clinging to someone. The emphasis is not about staying by their side through the drama, or about suffering for them. The emphasis is doing all this while remembering you love them. It's about loving them unconditionally and without expectation.

I lost touch with myself and with that newfound idea. And, as a result, I clung to Sarah mercilessly and expected so much, and, because of that, got my heart broken not once, but twice, and because of this same reason.

This talk with Kari put me on track. I'm seeing more clearly than I have been for the past month or so.

I love Sarah- that has never changed. But I've done a poor job of expressing it.

Now, back to being the real me...

"...and she wants none of it. She wants the least of what I can give. I'm happy to be her friend. But to pretend I don't love her with all my heart? To hide it, to swallow it, to keep it inside for an undisclosed amount of time, amongst a sea of uncertainty, amongst a barren landscape with a lack of promises, until a time that may never come? I'm being pushed to my limits in terms of trust. "Faith" is not something I do. I cannot trust someone without a very good reason to do so. Loving someone is a good reason to do many things, but it is not a good reason to blindly place one's faith into another. It seems my love for her does have it's limits.

Limits, of course, is what makes it so real, and so authentic. If I said I'd kill for her, it isn't love. It's infatuation."

Love is pushing your own limits for another, while, at the same time, respecting them.

It seems I've got to make a decision...

Hekate, Goddess of the Crossroads... guide me.

I've never felt so unwanted by someone who loves me.

I thought I had a chance to see her at least once. To be honest, a part of me has always doubted we'd ever meet. I'm not entirely sure why, but it's probably because of the fact that any relationship we've ever had was always unhealthy. They never lasted. We'd be friends for a short while, and something would happen. We'd date on again and off again. I guess the idea of a visit to her while she's in another state seemed too much like something stable or permanent...and we're no good at either of those things, apparently...

I was gonna buy a round-trip ticket and go see her this summer...the timing would have been perfect. Summertime... after a long, hard year at this place, with no real responsibilities to speak of. Just fly off down south to see the woman I love.

Well... she's a real career woman. She's gonna go into a (competitive) internship with JPMorgan Chase, in Delaware. She won't be there this summer...

I'm proud of her. She's such a strong woman, and she's so damned brave. I've always envied, yet admired that part of her. Now, here she is, competing (no competition, really) for an internship with a huge finances firm, out-of-state. I'm happy for her.

I did my best to hide the fact that this news made some mixed feelings in me. I was crushed. My hopes of seeing her, at least once in this life time, were just taken away. I can't really say what's worse, either- the fact that they're taken away by something so good (thus removing my ability to object, at least openly), the fact that I didn't know about something so huge in her life until just today, or the fact that, geographically speaking, she'll be about twice as close to me as she would be in in her home state, and I STILL cannot see her.

I'm really doing my best to appear a strong person to her, to act like none of this is gutting me, while at the same time remaining honest about how I feel. I love her. I wanna be with her, and stay with her. I wanna be her friend, and I wanna be her mate. I have no problem with the former...but it's complicated by the latter. It is SO HARD to stand by someone, to let them have your heart, when you're not even sure they want it. She says she loves me, and she said the other day she plans on being with me "at some point", and that's usually good enough for me. But not when I'm told my expressing my love to her is a bother. When I'm told she'd prefer it if I didn't. I can understand; she doesn't want to be reminded of what she can't comfortably have at this point. But that's the thing. She doesn't want to be reminded of how she feels about me, about me, as a mate, about how I feel. That hurts. I feel like I'm condemned for what she feels toward me. I'm not mad at her...at least, I try not to be when I start to feel that way. I'm just so frustrated.

I know what she'd say if I told her all of this, too. She'd tell me she doesn't like causing me this pain, and she'd either try to convince me to stop loving her/being friends with her, etc, or she'd do one of those, or both herself.

She doesn't know it, but I feel like I'm dying. After our phone conversation today I just...I was in a fog. Everything was a blur. I cried in my wildlife and rec lab, in my room, then at dinner. I couldn't stop shivering.

I wouldn't have such a hard time with this if... if she was willing to live with the fact that we're in love. It's hard enough that we're apart, but pretending I don't love her and am just interested in her as a friend is near impossible. Why do we have to pretend we aren't in love? Why do we have to keep ourselves apart? Why is my loving her so bad? Why doesn't she want it bad enough? Why isn't she willing to make room for us in her life? Why doesn't she include me? Why won't she let me include her? Why??

I'm so torn between feelings now... I want to get rid of these feelings and try my best to be her friend...but then I don't wanna let go of the love. It's a miracle to me, still, that our love for eachother remains after all this time. I want to do what'll make her happy...but it hurts so bad. I want to run away...but I don't want to abandon her, or leave her side... not this time. I promised her, and I want to keep that promise. I have so much love for her, and I'm bound by my duty as her friend, and by my own word, to hold it in, to keep it a secret, to pretend I don't feel the way I really do.

I just don't know what to do. I don't know what to say, how to feel, how to think, what to expect. All I know is that I just don't want to be conscious anymore.

Despite all this, I still love her...I don't want her to leave.




Why...

The Darker Side of Love

So the past few days have been interesting.

The forest tech. students traveled to Syracuse, NY for the annual New York Society of American Foresters meeting. It was held at a pretty nice hotel, and hundreds of people were there. We left early thursday morning, arrived and attended several meetings about different things in the forestry world, then we spent the night. The next day was more of the same until noon, when we departed the hotel and visted a local surveying firm in the small town of Teresa.

The whole experience was interesting. I got to rub shoulders with various professionals in my chosen field, and sit in on discussions about various issues in said field. I also got to stay at a fancy hotel and eat fancy food.

I learned a lot about forestry in a professional sense, and I learned a lot about myself as well.

I know that I do not want to get too deeply involved with the politics of forestry. It has it's importance; a lot of the general public have misconceptions about what forestry is all about, so the PR aspect of the political scene is important. But it isn't for me. I'm the one out in the woods, working with the trees and the plants, the soil and the water.

Right now I feel like I'm in a bit of a slump. A funk.

I miss StarEnchantress terribly.

Her and I had a "moment" while I was at the hotel. We talked on the phone for a while, and it felt so good. It was nourishing, to talk to the woman who is both my friend and my love. We reconnected, and I feel like we were both reassured.

Now I miss her like crazy. I've been wandering around with my head in a fog all day, crying off and on. My entire body aches to be with her, as does my mind and heart. I can't focus; all I can think about is her.

At least now I understand completely why she doesn't want to date. Because if we were together, our separation would be completely unbearable. I think this is bad? Imagine actually being her boyfriend but not hearing from her often. Gods this fucking hurts. It is the most maddening thing.

I can also understand why she'd want to ignore the love. I've thought about it myself..it would be so relieving to not have to carry the burden of knowing your love is out there somewhere, but nowhere near you. But...I don't want to. This whole thing will either kill me (seems likely, but it isn't, I'm sure), or by the time her and I are together, I'll be the best mate/lover/friend she's ever had, ever. With all of this love, how can I not be?

The help of a Dark Goddess would be so welcome right about now. I need to cope with this, damnit, and I need to transform it into something helpful, supportive and nourishing.

I wonder sometimes if she ever wants to stop talking. If she feels the same way I do (I know she loves me...she told me so!), how can she ignore it when we talk? Can she? I'm afraid she'll just get sick of our limited communication and just leave...

I love you, wherever you are...

Another day

I'm still feeling a bit down about the StarEnchantress situation. I gotta say, it doesn't feel too good. I'm really confused about what she wants from/with me. I believe her when she tells me that she loves me, and wants to be with me...but I have a hard time understanding why she has to make things more complicated by denying herself how she feels about me. It would be so much easier for us to both just accept the fact that we love eachother. I mean, what's so wrong with it? It's love. It's a great thing. Plus, it's a revived love. To me, it's a bit of a small miracle that her and I are in love again. I see it all as a good thing... but, apparently she doesn't. She just keeps running away from me. It really sucks when I'm here for someone, and I have so much feeling for them and so much to offer them...but all they do is run away. It makes me feel like a monster sometimes. And...every now and then Sarah will let slip something...she'll say something about how I used to be, and say it like I'm still that way. Sometimes she talks to me like the person I used to be when we dated before. Why? I know I've changed. I wish she'd see it...maybe have some trust or faith in my ability to change for the better. I dunno. I don't even know what to do about it anymore. She just keeps running away from me, regardless of what I say or do. She doesn't seem to know how to act toward me, either. A friend of mine named Heather, and I, talked earlier and just theorized about why she does what she does. We sort of concluded that I'll just never know unless Sarah wants me to. So...she said just live my life, not to let it get me too down for too long. And I think that's what I gotta do. I don't have much time for a lingering sadness, or a mourning for a 'love that never was'. I've got an education to focus on, I've got schoolwork to do, and I've got my own life to live. If Sarah doesn't want to be with me, to be a big part of my life, then there's no sense in my clearing out space for her in my life and schedule that she isn't gonna use. Also, I have to remember that (as far as I know) her and I are friends. That's how this all started. We have a great (if not dry/inactive) friendship...and that's enough for me, if that's what I'm given. She can do what makes her happy. That's her right. And that's what I want for her.

I haven't been doing my reading for the classes like I should have been doing. I've fallen behind, and I've got a pathology quiz tomorrow and I don't feel I know the material as well as I need to. I've decided to just do what I can on this quiz, and then do the reading assignments as close to the day that I get them as I can. No more slacking off or waiting for the weekend!

I'm tired. Hopefully I'll be able to sleep well tonight.

As fickle as the skies

She's confusing. One second she's so loving and open to telling me how she feels and expressing herself. The next she's so cold and pushes me away. One day we're talking like we're best friends, then the next we have no contact whatsoever.

"One day at a time", she says, but then completely ignores that in favor of trying to predict the future and saying "we won't be happy". If we're taking it one day at a time, why would she bother to try and guess that? If she loved me so much, why doesn't she just be with me, instead of focusing so much on what she might feel in the future?

She acts like I'm crazy when I have to ask her, and reaffirm certain things she says. Well, I'm not crazy. Like I said, she'll actually act like she loves me one day, but then the next she'll be angry/annoyed/short or something else toward me. She'll take something out on me, and, in my experience, when someone acts like they hate you its because they do. My point is, her actions rarely match her words. She says she's full of love for me, and wants to be with me. She makes it sound like her heart is a deep reservoir of abundant emotion for me. But she doesn't act that way, at all. Our friendship is arid. Dry.

All of this is brought on by the fact that, a few days ago, we had a conversation about our feelings for eachother. She kissed me.

Then today she told me not to be so lovey.

???

*sigh* I love her. She isn't a bad person, and I don't want to believe she does this on purpose. She's not, as far as I know, that kind of person. Sometimes I think it'd be nice if I was like her previous mate, where he apparently just sort of...saw through all of this, and stayed there for her. Apparently, he never complained. At least not to her.

I'm not like that. When someone hurts me, they hear about it. If they do it repeatedly, and they don't seem to care, or they blame it on me, I leave. And, it doesn't matter if I stood by her side despite all this. She wouldn't notice me or be with me anyway. I don't know if I should stick around. I don't even know if I'm wanted. If I asked her if I should leave, she'd just shrug and tell me to do what I felt was best. She would show no concern or opinion whatsoever.

As I've said to myself repeatedly... if she really loved me, she'd at least try and be with me. If she loved me, she'd honor those feelings and at least express them. But she doesn't trust me enough to express it, or perhaps doesn't trust herself to feel that way.

In any case... love, apparently, is not enough. I don't know what to do... I'm so torn. I don't want to stop feeling this way... I can't...it's too strong. I love her. It's true, honest, healthy love. I just don't know what she wants. If she could just...tell me...and stick to it...at least then I'd know what I have to do to make her happy.

Learning about Love from Nature

I've reached a bit of an epiphany.

Nature teaches me a lot of things. I observe, I meditate, and I understand.

One of Her lessons has taught me that nothing in the natural world spends more energy on something than it needs to. Energy conservation is top priority for all living things, (keep for the occasional stubborn human being).

I've applied this lesson to things with Ms. Star Enchantress.

During the break we talked every day, keep for one day near the end of the vacation. We were close.

Things have changed. The Fates have weaved our choices into the lives we live now, and, as it so happens, she doesn't have a lot of time for me. There isn't a lot of room in her life, and she doesn't have the desire and thus the ability to make that room.

So, we don't talk much.

When I first arrived back on campus a week and a half ago, I was struggling to stay in touch with her. I spent a lot of time and energy on the phone, trying to call her, sending her text messages, and generally putting a lot of effort (expending a lot of energy) into trying to establish a solid, reliable line of communication between us. I was under the impression we both wanted to stay in touch...to talk, and perhaps swim against the tides of life that would otherwise pull us apart.

While I was on the right track about the desire to maintain our friendship, I feel I was utterly wrong about us both wanting to "swim against". Sarah simply goes with the flow. Her time is not her own, and she gives away what little she has left to other interests.

So...there I was, working hard to stay in touch with someone who simply cannot. For whatever reason, she is unable or unwilling to work things out, to set aside time. So I've been wasting my time trying to force (despite my intentions) it to happen.

I'm only going to give out the time and energy she actually uses. I'm not going to send out the text messages in the morning/noon/night, because she doesn't respond. I'm not going to send the emails. Dial the calls. I'm just going to let things be. I'm going to contact her when I really think she can talk. I'm going to put in to match what she puts in. Give her the time and attention she wants, and uses. Nothing more, nothing less. That way, things are balanced.

That isn't to say I'm not here for her like I said I would be. It just means I'm not as present or as "around" when I obviously don't need to be; when things aren't focused on her and I.


I love her. I want us to talk a lot. I want it to be like it was during break- I feel that that's the "true" form of our friendship. But I cannot spare a lot of energy, given where I am and what I'm doing. Perhaps if her and I were able to keep in touch better, I would. If our relationship required more of my time, I would gladly offer it. But it does not. So I'm giving what it requires.

Love is Strange

Okay... So, I mentioned my friend, the one I feel close to and who is very important to me, in a previous post.

Well, I sort of...fell in love with her. Again.

Her and I are exes. Her and I were engaged at one point, and, obviously, it didn't work out.

When we got back in touch, we really re-established our friendship. We got close again, and romantical feelings sort of re-emerged in the background. But recently some things have developed in that region of our relationship and I can't say they're absolutely pleasing...

We talked a bit about dating again...and it was decided that, ultimately, she's too busy for a relationship. She needs time for her mate. That, and she needs someone who can be around her all of the time. Her needs wouldn't be satisfied because of the general state of things at the moment...

I'm feeling a bit sad because I can't be with her. I never got entirely over her to begin with, and during the break I got my hopes up again...so the disappointment is even more poignant. Despite what happens I can't help but feel that we'd make a great couple...

I feel like she still thinks of me the way that I used to be... when we were together years ago I was a very controlling and self-centered person. I cared more about my own needs than hers and I just didn't care about the state of our relationship for the right reasons. I really loved her, don't get me wrong-- I was just so tied up in my own problems that I was unable to show it, and to treat her like the love of my life that she was. I suspect she still thinks I'd be this way... I know I've changed...but I guess it isn't enough for her to see it...

I really wish I was able to fulfill her needs. It sort of hurts my pride that I can't be all that she needs in a partner... but there's more involved here than what I am and what I'm not... I know she loves me, and that, if everything was perfect, she'd probably be with me...

I really hope that she finds what she needs in life and in a mate. Whether or not I'm that mate is of little consequence in the grand scheme of things. What's important is that she is happy, and that she finds the one she needs and at the right time in her life.

I love her, and I want to help her as best I can. What this requires of me is that I be the friend she needs and wants me to be. I'm not friends with her just to fulfill my own needs...I'm her friend because I love her and I want her to be happy...so I'd better start doing what she needs me to do.

I'd take her happiness over my own desires any day.

In the cold and the dark

There has been a huge cold snap here for the last few days. It was down to -15 degrees Fahrenheit this morning, and in the afternoon it reached a high of 5.

We've been working outside in this cold, and it's reminded me of why I love the cold so much. It's soothing. It calms me, it makes me breathe deeper and easier, and it makes me more aware of my physical being. Yesterday it got really, really cold during the afternoon (-4) and while I was outside, I could feel my mind slowing down. I couldn't feel the parts of my body that were exposed, and the rest of my body was neither hot nor cold. I felt calm, and peaceful.

Freezing to death is also a very peaceful way to die. In the best case, you merely fall asleep. You stop shivering, you get tired...you lay down, and you pass into the next world. Unless, of course, you get frost bite and try to warm up. Then the cold bites you. Ice crystals form in your blood while you're freezing, they expand in your blood vessels and actually rupture them. You don't feel it unless you warm up again.

I love the cold. I feel most comfortable in it. The air is clean (nothing can live in it- no mold/fungi, no bacteria, etc). It's as close to pure as it ever can get during the year. The snow is soft and soothing. I also love how short the days are. Dark and cold- my domain.

After being out in freezing temperatures for the past few days, I've realized an interesting effect it has on me. Besides slowing my bodily processes, it seems to help me think more clearly. Very strange, but definitely good to know.

Speaking of thinking clearly...

I mentioned a friend of mine in my last entry. Well, I've had a lot of time apart from her and I've been thinking about her and things involving her lately.

She used to have my heart. We were together, and quite close. It ended a while ago, and slowly I took my heart back (in bits). But, over the break, she took it back from me. Well...she took it back and I sort of just handed it over... I was hesitant at first, but I realized I really loved her. I trusted her with it, again.

And now I'm thinking maybe that was a mistake.

See...she's a career woman. She's working quite hard in school, and she's also got a full time part time job. She's a busy woman, and I commend her for it. Thing is, her career's got her heart. She can't give it to me. And, I'm thinking that even if she could, she wouldn't.

Long story short, I thought she was in love with me... and it doesn't matter if I was right or wrong...because she isn't. And, of course, I'm feeling the usual "I love them but they don't love me" thing.

I'm beginning to think that this sort of situation speaks to me about my poor choice of trust and judgment. I trust the right people at the wrong time. I don't look hard enough at the situation. I'm not disciplined enough, I don't control my emotions, and I end up getting hurt because of it.

I have a hard time with this. I seem to live in extremes with trust. I either trust no one, or trust someone entirely. This is bad.

I need to work on this.

Yule '08

I'm now back on campus, and I'm just thinking on the events of the break.

My last post was at the very beginning of the break. A lot of stuff has happened since then.

I stayed at my brother's apartment for about 2 or 3 days, until I had heard that Lois and Bob left their place to visit Bob's parent's house for a week. Since I would have the place to myself, I decided to go there and spend some time alone, thinking.

The time alone was very nice. It was what I needed to get back in touch with myself, to remember who I am. I got to sort a lot of things out, especially the spiritual lessons I learned from my brief encounter with my father.

A few days into my solitude, an old friend of mine called me. I was surprised; I spent a few hours one night straining to remember her phone number. When I had finally given up, she called me. Synchronicity, anyone? Anyway, it was good hearing from her. She's always had a knack for calling when I need someone to talk to, even just for outside human contact. Her and I talked for a while...and the conversation started us up talking again.

She called me on a daily basis from that point on, and I feel we've established a good, strong bond over the period in which we talked. It does my heart good to have her in my life again... she was always very special to me, and I was never able to really let go of her. Something inside me simply refused to let go. And now, I think I know why, aside from pure, raw love- it knew I'd be throwing away the possibility for what her and I have now.

And I'm just thrilled to have her friendship again. I'm really honored to be in her life, and for her to be in mine. She's an amazing woman. She's an extremely giving person, and there's not a selfish bone in her body. She's also highly intelligent. Very warm and kind, and just so...authentic. She's just her, and she expects others to be themselves. She's real.

That was one of the highlights of the break. Definitely.

Other than that, I learned a lot about myself, merely by considering my blood relatives and their issues. I was able to identify parts of myself which would manifest subconsciously and thus effect my way of living and the way I'd interact with other people. I was able to just banish/phase out a lot of harmful ways of thinking...and the ones that I couldn't, I learned about them anyway and how I act because of them. One of the biggest issues I've got is fear. I'm afraid of...being abandoned. I guess that's no surprise, considering where I come from. But I really don't like the way this fear makes me act toward people I get close to. I took them out on a dear friend, and I felt like a fool afterward. Luckily, she's a forgiving person...